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ETD # 19 How to know what to say and when to say it

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“I only told the truth. I did the right thing. Now he’s all upset. He just doesn’t want to hear the truth. He can’t handle the truth. Now what do I do?”

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I receive a lot of emails from wives and partners of men suffering with their Disquiet. They are worried about their husbands and don’t know how to help. There are things they can do (see “What if I think my husband is having a midlife crisis?” part 1 and part 2). But what I stress as critical is for them to get support and do things that help nourish themselves.

Like any caregiver situation, the person giving the support often gets so drained they lose their ability to support. See the recent news article about partners of cancer patients suffering from depression.

So when your mate is suffering for along time - get support, either from a friend or a professional. And whether it’s a long run or just a period of unrest, get a massage!

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Here is something just for the fun of it. The never-ending exploration of the differences between men and women often go to great lengths to try to remove those differences. Truth is, we are wired differently. Here is a funny look that celebrates those differences in the most naked way: How men and women shower differently. Enjoy the fun!

Thanks to kinkykayla1987 for the YouTube video.

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To continue the discussion started earlier in Part 1, here are some things you can do:

Ask questions, but in a way that helps.

It is important to open up the communication between the two of you. I am not going to kid you, this can be really hard. I know if my significant other starts asking me about what is going on, probing my feelings and demanding an explanations about something I don’t understand in myself, I am going to go underground or get resentful. I will feel the extra burden of feeling pressured. So this is tricky. How do you connect, show you care and are concerned, but give him room. Some tips:

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[This is from an article I wrote for LifeTwo, a great resource for information about midlife crisis, midlife career changes and midlife health.]

“What do I do?” That question arises usually after a husband has become a Dr Jelly/Mr. Hyde, switching from his “normal, old self” to a screaming abusive monster over the slightest trigger. Or, at the other extreme, he becomes withdrawn and non-communicative. And then the times when it’s too late, he has fallen for a young woman, had an affair and run off leaving you and the kids.
And even if it’s not too late, what can a spouse do?

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We have explored the personal hell that you can experience when the messages and signals to listen to your Disquiet go unheeded. The self doubts, feeling lost and questioning of purpose that toss you around in the middle of the night. And the messes in your life that can be created by taking unwise actions trying to dull or eradicate the pain with quick fixes or band-aids. Jumping into actions like rashly quitting a job, having an affair, leaving a marriage, extreme risk-taking and generally acting like an ass who is pretending to be 28 again.

But what about the pain and suffering to those you love? How does our lack of engaging our Disquiet impact our effectiveness as a dad?

Here is a rare chance to see that impact.

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