Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

The Disquiet in Men

Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

Archive for the 'midlife crisis' Category

Digging in – another cost to not heeding your Disquiet

Tuesday, November 9th, 2010

One of the gut-ripping, walking the floor at 2am is the shame that often pops up with The Disquiet.  Dr. Brown has done important research around this.  Shame is tied to being vulnerable, the very last thing most of us wants to be when in the midst of this experience.

This sense of shame is often associated with the crisis that comes with questioning the very things that brought success that feel empty, or the feeling of being out of step with the world are important forces that cause problems when ignored.

If this resonates, check out her other videos and books.  While her major focus is working issues of shame with women, she makes some important distinctions that are useful here.  In other videos, she makes some interesting comaprisons of how men and women deal with shame differently.

Dr Brene Brown on shame and vulnerability

Listen to the sound of Disquiet

Sunday, February 7th, 2010

The world needs your voice, your gifts.   How often do you let them go quiet thinking it’s not the right way to go, not the right thing to do, or it’s not welcome?

“One night a man was crying, Allah! Allah!  His lips grew sweet with the praising, until a cynic said, “So! I have heard you calling out, but have you ever gotten any response?”

The man had no answer to that. He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep. He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls, in a thick, green foliage. “Why did you stop praising?”

Because I’ve never heard anything back.  This longing you express is the return message.  The grief you cry out from draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness that wants help is the secret cup. Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.  That whining is the connection. There are love-dogs no one knows the names of.  Give your life to be one of them.”

Love Dogs by Rumi

What if it’s not a midlife crisis?

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008

I receive a lot of emails from wives whose husbands have left them or are discovered having an affair.  “He must be having a midlife crisis”.

Is it?  In a NY Times article, Dr Richard Friedman, a professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College, challenges the notion. In discussing one case similar to the emails I mentioned, he described it as “this was a garden-variety case of a middle-aged narcissist grappling with the biggest insult he had ever faced: getting older.

He goes on to write, “Why do we have to label a common reaction of the male species to one of life’s challenges — the boredom of the routine — as a crisis? True, men are generally more novelty-seeking than women, but they certainly can decide what they do with their impulses.”


Are you Connected?

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007

Jean Browman, at Happy Monk, posted an article that caught my eye after she sent me the link (Thanks Jean!). She is kicking off an important discussion that I want to grow here as well. So I posted part of her article below and threw in my 2 cents. I’d like your thoughts as well.

At Home In the Universe

man floating free in space

Like all of my [Jean’s] posts, this one is presented as food for thought, and hopefully to start a conversation. Does this picture resonate with you at all? For instance, have you ever felt you looked at things differently from other people…that a part of you was alone in the universe? If so, what was your reaction? Were you frightened… depressed… exhilarated… lonely? What did you do? (more…)

Where do you get your sense of success from?

Wednesday, October 17th, 2007

My client was really struggling with feeling lost in his life. A senior executive, he had a successful career, healthy family, a huge house in the country, took vacations…he had all that comes with the good life. The American Dream. And he felt absolutely dead inside. A zombie.

If you read my site you will learn about a particular aspect of Disquiet: one which emerges when someone is at the top of their game, has all the trappings of having made it, and yet, does not feel connected to that success.

Often they feel nothing, dead inside. They have long forgotten why they worked so hard to get what they dreamed of and now feel no sense of accomplishment or satisfaction. I have found this theme among many of my clients. I call it the Empty Success Syndromeâ„¢.


Learn more about my take on the Disquiet

Friday, May 18th, 2007

I had the honor of recently being interviewed by Wesley Hein of  LifeTwo is a terrific resource-rich website focusing on midlife issues ranging from midlife crisis to career issues.  This is a gret resource.  Here is the interview.  Thanks Wesley!

Dave Schoof is a regular contributor to LifeTwo who often writes about midlife crises. Years ago he had his own midlife struggles and since then has been helping others as a coach and as an author. We asked Dave about his own midlife crisis and what he has learned since then that might help others experiencing their own difficult times.

LifeTwo: You frequently use the term “disquiet” when describing what others might call a midlife crisis. Is there a difference? Is it a form of depression?