Don’t forget the kids!

Sometimes when we are struggling in our lives, we lose focus of everything but our suffering. Ever notice that? It’s like that becomes the only thing you can really see. Everything else gets blurry. I remember when I decided my next car would be a Subaru Forrester. All of a sudden, that is all I saw on the road!. One day they didn’t exist and the next, the entire human race was driving one. It’s funny how what we are focused on filters what we see - and what we don’t. Those cars weren’t all purchased in one day. This shows up as well in the struggle with the Disquiet. It can consume you, taking all of your focus. And things can disappear from your view.

The idea about focus came up after reading an article on tips for being a good dad at Men’s Health. It was pretty good, but more importantly, it triggered some memories of when I was really struggling through what I figured was a midlife crisis when my kids were in their preteens. (more…)

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I think one of the main reasons we fail to make the big changes we want in our lives is because we think it’s about will power. We think to ourselves, “If I really want something different, I have to just do it.” And when it gets tough, I just have to try harder. And when it doesn’t work, I have must blame myself: “I didn’t try hard enough”. “I am not strong enough”. “I didn’t have enough will power.”

There are other things we occasionally like to blame: it was God’s will, it wasn’t meant to be, the universe didn’t answer, or I didn’t deserve it. Those are for other discussions.

Most of us, at one time of another, blame our lack of will or endurance for not getting to our goals.

It is not about will.

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I have had a rumbling of [tags]Disquiet[/tags] for a couple of weeks now. A low-grade background hum of unease. After working with the strong, long dark-night-of-the-soul bouts of Disquiet over the years, I am pretty good at picking up the signals early on. I sensed something was off. How? My first awareness was at night, when things get quiet. I noticed an old familiar hum of restlessness. A smaller taste of the same unease that used to settle in on my life like a wet wool blanket. This was smaller, not as heavy, but still it was there.

So what did I do?

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I am sitting in a computer room on break from leading training for a program that fast-tracks high potential grad school graduates into management positions in the federal government. I’m a faculty member for a 3-day intensive leadership program for them.

We had a great discussion today as we explored the challenges of working with cynicism and resignation in the workplace. These are young, very intelligent, immensely talented, energetic and idealistic people. As they move into their new roles, they sometimes get stopped in their tracks as they get exposed to the [tags]cynicism[/tags] in the workplace.

I listened to their stories of working for zombie bosses or with retired-in-place colleagues. It reminds me of when I have worked with senior leaders trying to lead their organization through change and how they often got stopped in their tracks by the resignation as well. (more…)

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Wise Inaction: Knowing when not to act

“What should I do?” My client was almost begging me for an answer. He was really frustrated. “I keep playing the pros and the cons out about taking the new position and I can argue both ways! This is driving me crazy!!!! I need to stop feeling like I am dying in my job, I need something fresh. But I don’t know about this offer. The money’s good and I need the change, but I’ve heard the boss is a jerk and others have left because of him. But I need to do something! I have to make a decision now and get on with it!”

“Do you?” I asked. He looked at me with surprise and a touch of annoyance. “What if you didn’t do anything….for a while?” I thought he was going to slug me.

Have you ever been in a situation like my client’s? Locked up in total stalemate about a decision? You feel the pressure to get into action, but what action? You can argue both sides and it makes you want to throw something in frustration. My client was desperate to get into action – almost any action at this point.

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Yesterday, I had the privilege of interviewing Dr Hal Sommerschield. as part of my ongoing study about the Disquiet in men. He was very generous in discussing his experiences with his Disquiet. I want to share what he had to say about his interview as he published it on his blog today.

Dr Hal, as he is known, is an fascinating guy. He is a clinical psychologist who has studied how people change. He has developed some innovative change programs called mental fitness training, which you can read about at his site, www.northstarmentalfitnessblog.com.

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