Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

The Disquiet in Men

Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

Archive for the 'The Disquiet' Category

Digging in – another cost to not heeding your Disquiet

Tuesday, November 9th, 2010

One of the gut-ripping, walking the floor at 2am is the shame that often pops up with The Disquiet.  Dr. Brown has done important research around this.  Shame is tied to being vulnerable, the very last thing most of us wants to be when in the midst of this experience.

This sense of shame is often associated with the crisis that comes with questioning the very things that brought success that feel empty, or the feeling of being out of step with the world are important forces that cause problems when ignored.

If this resonates, check out her other videos and books.  While her major focus is working issues of shame with women, she makes some important distinctions that are useful here.  In other videos, she makes some interesting comaprisons of how men and women deal with shame differently.

Dr Brene Brown on shame and vulnerability

I think this is still relevant – do you?

Friday, October 29th, 2010

I haven’t been posting much here for a while.  I have been working with business leaders around the world for some time now. I have been consumed helping them in the crisis.   As we have all been doing our best to navigate our lives in these difficult times, I have been listening to many men discuss their Disquiet.

I thought back to one of the first posts about why I was doing this work.  I think it’s more relevant than ever.  Here is what I wrote:

“What are you crazy? (more…)

Listen to the sound of Disquiet

Sunday, February 7th, 2010

The world needs your voice, your gifts.   How often do you let them go quiet thinking it’s not the right way to go, not the right thing to do, or it’s not welcome?

“One night a man was crying, Allah! Allah!  His lips grew sweet with the praising, until a cynic said, “So! I have heard you calling out, but have you ever gotten any response?”

The man had no answer to that. He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep. He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls, in a thick, green foliage. “Why did you stop praising?”

Because I’ve never heard anything back.  This longing you express is the return message.  The grief you cry out from draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness that wants help is the secret cup. Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.  That whining is the connection. There are love-dogs no one knows the names of.  Give your life to be one of them.”

Love Dogs by Rumi

How to tune into the Disquiet

Saturday, August 16th, 2008

I talk a lot about the way to work with your Disquiet is to listen to its messages. Easier said than done! What’s the difference between your gut instincts or intuition and the old voices in your head telling you what you should and shouldn’t do?

When you are trying to figure out a course of action, it sometimes gets challenging to sort out all the messages swirling around in your head. How do I know I am not mistaking wisdom for laziness or plain old fear? How can I tell the difference between impulses and good judgment? How do I not mistake a message of making a change because I just don’t like something or is it the smart thing to do?


Whatever you do, don’t do this (encore)

Saturday, June 7th, 2008

I have been getting a lot of emails lately from people sharing what they are doing in trying to work with their Disquiet. I found myself referring back to an article I had written a while ago. So I thought it might be helpful to dust it off and re-post it here.


Ways not to handle your Disquiet

Working through your Disquiet is tricky. It is a very personal and isolating experience. Like transitions at other times of our life, navigating midlife is confusing and challenging. We are almost hard-wired with the thinking that if we are suffering, there must be a problem. And if there is a problem, it should be quickly figured out and resolved.

I have written a lot here how I believe what we have come to describe as the mid-life crisis (MLC) comes form ignoring the signals of the Disquiet. There is a lot of information out there on how to deal with your MLC, what to do and even think. There is not much written or said about what to watch for or avoid. Here are some tips from my learnings, personal experiences and from working with others.

Don’t do any of these regarding your Disquiet:

~Ignore it
~Jump into re-action
~Drug it
~Make fun of it
~Take it on alone

Hit the “Pause” button

Sunday, March 30th, 2008

Have you had that experience of waking in the middle of the night worrying about your life and how it’s not going right? Isn’t it amazing how you can almost feel the acceleration of the thoughts and then the panic deep in your gut flash-ignites as more and more things swoosh through your brain like a locomotive picking up speed?

That’s the Disquiet talking.

And ever catch yourself the next day as you try to delete that horrible feeling by getting busier in the day. I know I have jumped into work and activities like a madman after a night of suffering from the whirlwind of worry and fear. Like getting busier is the antidote. I think deep down I clutch at the idea that if I am busy and productive, those fears won’t come back.

But something else happened – I’d hit a wall of Disquiet. I became very dissatisfied with what I was doing. I’d often feel like a fraud. Sometimes I got angry and impatient as I ran around going through the motions of accomplishment.

That’s the Disquiet hitting back.