Last week’s article about not waiting to live your life brought in a guest’s comment that really speaks to working with your Disquiet. You will see his post below.

Frank wrote the following:

I am flirting with retirement at the moment. I switched jobs from a high paying software development job where I spent my days in my cellar office, alone with no one to talk to and only an occasional call about “new software problems” to resolve… to something totally different - selling stairlifts. I meet interesting people everyday, do something that directly helps people. Clients range from the Rich and Famous (authors Steven King, Ann Givens Siddons) and a bunch of CEO’s that have more money than God …. to interesting and wonderful people who can barely scrape together two cents.

(more…)

Popularity: 14% [?]

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation” -Henry David Thoreau

That greets you on the home page to this site.  I think that captures the Disquiet beautifully.

But it’s not the whole story.  There is another aspect to the suffering with the Disquiet.  That’s what I call “magical thinking”.   When I was up to my ears in hating my job and my life, I kept steeling myself each day by muttering to myself through clinched teeth that all the suffering was for the future.  If I kept plugging away, I would then have enough money, seniority, retirement, or something that would allow me to live my life on my terms.

Sounds pretty puritanical doesn’t it?  Live a life of Hell to get rewarded in the afterlife.

I hear this in many of my clients as well.  When our sense of OK’ness and success is so dependent on external factors, we are doomed to a living Hell.

It just does not work that way.  First of all, life doesn’t turn around and pay you a bonus for being miserable, like frequent flier miles for suffering.  For those who view life as something to survive, it will be just that - a never ending sequence of disasters and hardships to navigate.  For those who can learn to see that life ‘lives’ through us, there is another way to experience and relate to life.  It is about now, this moment.

David Deida in his book, “The Way of the Superior Man“, writes:

Most men make the error of thinking that one day it will be done.  They think, “If I can work enough, then one day I could rest.”  Or, “One day my woman will understand something and then stop complaining.”  Or, “I’m only doing this now so that one day I can do what I really want with my life.”  The masculine error is to think that eventually things will be different in some fundamental way.  They won’t.  It never ends.  As long as life continues, the creative challenge is to tussle, play, and make love with the present moment while giving your unique gift”.

So don’t wait until the kids are off to college, or retirement, or some other external guidepost to begin living.  Life is very very short and it’s waiting to live through you now.
Oh, and by the way, read David’s book - it is a great navigational aide for navigating your Disquiet.

Popularity: 15% [?]

To continue an ongoing discussion that emerged from an earlier post: I wrote about humility being a necessary part to work with the Disquiet (read here). Adam at Monk at Work came back with a great comment that led me to write about the Disquiet not as a sign that something’s wrong but a wonderful Geiger counter of sorts signaling you when you are out of synch with your deepest values and callings (read here).

Adam built on this at his blog and came up with 3 important action steps that could be very useful when working with the Disquiet:

How to Follow the Lonely

If you’ve got a feeling that you’re missing something, doing something wrong, or you just feel bugged about your course through life, then you just may need to “follow the lonely.”

(more…)

Popularity: 15% [?]

A couple of days ago, I wrote about the importance of humility in working with your Disquiet (here).  One of the comments to the article came from a friend and respected colleague Adam Kayce from Monk at Work.  He wrote:

It’s interesting to hear that one of the most frequent questions you hear is, “What’s wrong with me?” Especially when, from my perspective, there’s not anything necessarily wrong at all.

Being hungry isn’t wrong; it’s a sign. You’re noticing the absence of something (food) in your life.

That’s how I, on a very simplified level, see achings like the Disquiet — as a sign. Something’s absent. Not wrong.

Anyhow, I think humility is key, too. For me, humility is about stripping away what we thought and assumed, to be open to what is.

And I think that’s a prerequisite to what you said, about being willing to look at what’s raw, and go through the all-too-necessary awkward phase.

Adam hit on something really important.  It is true that most of the men I’ve interviewed reported feeling their Disquiet was a sign of something being wrong with them.  And I had that experience myself when I first struggled with it in my life.  Adam describes the Disquiet being similar to being hungry is dead on.  It is a hunger.    A hunger to live life in alignment with your deepest values and longings.

This is the first major discovery a man makes when he starts to really work with his Disquiet.  It takes some time, effort, and yes humility.

As you begin to really look into the Disquiet in your life, hold on to the idea, what if there is nothing wrong?  See how that might help the inquiry.

Popularity: 10% [?]

I have written often about the sense of personal failure and shame that accompanies the feelings of Disquiet in a man’s life. In many of the interviews I’ve been conducting as part of my study, men describe this sense of personal failure that goes right to the core sense of what it means to be a man.

When a man feels he is no longer successful in his career or other aspects of his life, despite all the trappings of hard-won accomplishments, there is often a feeling that something is wrong with him. Many report feeling embarrassed to be telling me that they feel lost when they have everything one could want in life. “What is wrong with me?” is the most frequently voiced lament that I hear with my clients.

For a man to successfully work with his Disquiet, there needs to be a fresh and open mind for learning. That is pretty hard to do when you feel like you have been a failure. So the first thing we work on is understanding that having Disquiet in your life does not mean you are a failure. On the contrary, the Disquiet is a powerful feedback mechanism telling you where your life may have gone off course. If you are listening and willing to learn from it, you are taking a very powerful step to taking charge of your life.

To do this though, a man must turn down the volume of his ego’s need to get it right, look good or be smooth about it. The act of learning to listen to where you are out of synch with what is most important to you takes courage and openness. It takes a willingness to look at some raw stuff and be able to be awkward as you learn a new way to go in your life.

That takes humility.

How do you bring humility to your Disquiet?

• Accept that your Disquiet does not mean you are a failure for the reasons mentioned above.
• Know that you are not the only one struggling with Disquiet. It is a common condition. Read my report on this.
• Learn how not engaging in your Disquiet not only causes you suffering but is impacting your family, you friends and even society.
• Begin to explore how you can “get out of your own way”. What do I mean? When I forget that I am supported in life by my spiritual beliefs and that my God-given talents and gifts are an expression of that support, I can relax a bit. I then can experience a clarity of direction and action. My effectiveness goes way up. And I have a sense of living life in a very full and powerful way. I will be writing more about how to get out of your own way. Stay tuned.

What does bringing humility to this work mean for you?

Technorati : humility, learning humility, success, what is wring with me, working with Disquiet

Popularity: 11% [?]

I could not resist.  This is my 100th post!  This has been an amazing process.  I started this blog October 06.  I looked at some of the earlier posts and can easily see how much I and this blog have grown.  I want to thank all of you who have read, commented, asked questions and provided great support to me and others who come here.  Stay tuned for the next 100!
May this serve.

Popularity: 8% [?]