Adding to the soup of men’s Disquiet is the challenge of mens’ relationships with women. There’s a fair bit of angst out there among many men over the call to be a kinder gentler man. Yet when some men try that, they are often ridiculed. In an earlier post , men talked about how today’s media frequently portrays men as wimpy.

This frustration carries over to what men think women want from them. Again, my observations come from the many interviews I am conducting for my study, The Disquiet Among Men.

Something really interesting popped up around all this. When describing how hard they have been working to be more sensitive and open, many thought they were losing touch with the tougher, stronger parts of themselves. There seemed to be a forced choice between being sensitive and being strong and protective.

Are these roles at odds with one another? Can we be both? Some men thought they were getting messages that women wanted one more than the other - until there was a crisis. One man described working hard on himself for years to be kinder and gentler in response to the strong urging of his girlfriend. Yet, when there was a dead animal in the garbage, he was called in the middle of the night to dash over to his girlfriend’s house to clean it up. He said he had to remember not to forget the “macho” stuff.

Do you see the call for being more sensitive, open, caring and communicative at odds with being strong, courageous and a protector?

How about you? Are you struggling to be both?

Can you do both?

What are you finding?

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This was said to me recently. This sentiment has been coming up a lot lately in several interviews for my study about men’s views about success, their role as a man today and the Disquiet they have experienced.

Several have said they are angry at how the media makes fun of the kinder more sensitive man.

Raymond in “Everybody loves Raymond”, along with many commercials and characters, were given as examples of the media portrayal of the modern male as bumbling, dorky and clumsy in his skill in being decisive, talking about feelings and in his relationships with women.

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I have started the interviews. They are amazing! I have conducted about a dozen so far. Everyone has been extremely generous with their time and trust. Several have offered to help in other ways as I grow this. All have said this service is deeply needed. There have been surprises, a lot of validation and some very powerful stories. So as I am conducting these, I will share some of what I am learning from their stories. You will learn you are not alone and what other men have experienced. I promise you that you will be surprised.

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I am looking for men who would be open to being interviewed by me. This is on going research regarding mens’ Disquiet. This interview can be done by phone and usually takes less than an hour. Your name will not be used in the study but I will use the following demographics: age, race, and profession or industry.

In my work with clients over the years, I have noticed a unique Disquiet among men that doesn’t get expressed in the same way from women. We make jokes about a mid-life crisis, but there is something uniquely male about this unease that is out there in very large numbers.

In fact I am pretty busy with it! So busy, I am creating a new service – a coaching program that focuses on this Disquiet for men. This Disquiet is hitting men in different ways – some at the top of their game and they have it all, yet they feel dead inside. Others are force-fitting themselves in what society thinks success looks like and as a result, they check themselves at the door to their office each morning and are walking around like zombies. It shows up in other ways as well and affects their relationships and roles as husbands, fathers, and friends.

The interviews are fun!� Everyone I have spoken with so far has found them very enjoyable and thanked me for the chance to explore this issue.� Many reported a sense of relief and of being helped just by the chance to open up about it.

It’s also a great way top learn more about this for yourself!

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As I begin crafting this new direction, I am getting lots of feedback from both men and women that this idea has legs. The men I have talked to recognize what I am discovering. They have experienced it and know others who have as well.

The women have responded even faster than the men. “Yes! I know exactly what you are talking about. Bill has been struggling with this. He doesn’t say much, but I can see it clearly.” And “Thank God you’re doing this”. One woman said, “I think men, in the world of dealing with challenges whether emotional or more tangible, have been part of a forgotten population.”

I need to get men’s stories. I want to hear about your experience with this restlessness and the bigger issues of what does it mean to be a successful man today. How has it shown up in your life? What have you done about it? What has the impact of this Disquiet been on you? Your family? Your career? What things have you tried to do to help – and have they helped? What happened? What have you learned from these experiences? What would help you with it?

So I am beginning to interview men. As I collect stories and data, I will compile a study about this Disquiet, I will make available to you. Stay Tuned!

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