Helping you live in mid-life without a crisis
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Are you playing it safe?
Security is mostly a superstition.
It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of man as a whole
experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than
outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
Do you play it safe? I know I often do. Planning for all contingencies, working to avoid unforeseen disasters and being always vigilant are things I have learned to do well. I think these were natural inclinations and abilities I had that I sharpened over the years.
In earlier times, they balanced nicely with a strong desire for adventure. On occasion, they literally saved my life as well as others. But over the years, I slowly started playing it safe and tried to minimize risks. Looking back and after a lot of work on this, I now believe this playing it safe was very related to my not engaging my own Disquiet. I can remember times of feeling paralyzed by not knowing what to do because I was trying to minimize risk.
We have talked about the excessive and obsessive kind of high adventure of the midlife crisis - extreme sports, fast cars, faster women. All risky behavior that recaptures the adrenaline charged days of youth.
But what about at the other end of the spectrum of reactions to the Disquiet? What about the deep seated fears of not being OK that start to surface and drive what we do and don’t do? As Helen Keller points out, safety is an allusion. I worked in the federal government for many years. A long time benefit was job security. These days, that is becoming more and more an illusion. Yet that mirage of the safety net keeps many trapped in jobs they hate and ignoring calls to create a new life. It’s like that with a lot of things we see as risk-proof. There is no such thing.
Living to be protected from all risks is not living. Underneath the ideas of avoiding risk is the mistaken belief you can control everything and keep it all safe. That is a mirage.
This is not a call to go crazy and be irresponsible. But this is a wake-up call to a way of thinking and living that can severely dampen our spirit.
This is really important to explore when working with your Disquiet.
In what ways are the deep seated fears you might have around security keeping you from living the kind of life your Disquiet is calling you to?
How might you be keeping these signals calling you to be living and playing bigger in life smothered so that you are feeling the the pressure build?
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Tags: Life, Working with change, midlife crisis, working with the Disquiet, avoiding risk, Helen Keller, illusion of safety, playing it safe
April 26th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
That’s a big question, Dave.
Just this morning, fear kept me spinning in a circle worrying about how my life was going to turn out (was I going to be okay? Is there enough?). I had to take refuge in my spiritual practice (after being not-so-gently nudged and reminded by friends and family).
The spiritual practice brought me through.
The ironic bit about playing it safe- is that playing it safe builds up walls and barriers. And walls and barriers keep things out- everything, including the love and connection I know I want.
Vulnerability is key to receiving. But, what I’ve seen is that it’s not necessarily vulnerability ‘in the world’- wearing my heart on my sleeve, although that, too, occasionally.
It’s more vulnerability- as you point out all the time- to engaging with what’s really going on, and bringing it to the Divine. Risking the question: ‘Is there love for me?’ and waiting around in my heart long enough to hear the answer.
thanks, Dave. This blog is one I engage with more than most, I love what you’re doing.
April 27th, 2007 at 5:59 am
Dave, it’s weird how you post on things I’m thinking about. There’s a problems with this safety is not safe idea though. Living life on more adventurous terms, doing more of what you deep down really want to do, calls for a different skill set than the skills a lot of us have been honing over the years. Let me break this down some. I find myself naturally moving toward blogging, writing, learning about internet marketing (learning HTML, CSS, PHP, plus a lot about marketing in general). In other words I find myself moving naturally moving toward a more entrepreneurial and creative life. Part of me, the safety conscious part, says I should be going in the opposite direction. Part of me wants to walk up to the edge of the cliff and look over, the other part says: “No! No! Go back! That’s dangerous!”
When I thought about this, though, I realized that over the years, I had not developed a certain skill set that I need to live the life that I really want to live. So, I’m developing that skill set now.
Anyway, great post! You’re obviously helping me clarify my own thoughts.
April 27th, 2007 at 6:36 am
Hey Mark - when I think about what you are saying about vulnerability, I think of authenticity - the authentic self. Coming from there does have a feeling of vulnerability to it doesn’t it?
Paradoxically, when I feel that vulnerability, the feedback I invariably get is the other person experienced me as grounded, strong and open. I think of the classic spiritual warrior archetype - the holding of different virtues at the same time - gentle and strong, true and yet flexible.
When I have the same concern you do about wearing my heart on my sleeve, I wonder if that is another fear showing up?
Great discussion. And thanks for the compliment - that means a lot coming from you.
April 27th, 2007 at 6:46 am
Lee - Great to know I have good timing
I think you capture the dance between playing it safe and listening to your calling beautifully. And following the calling doesn’t mean being reckless. So we don’t want to toss the baby out with the water and lose the wisdom of being cautious and prudent. But when I live from those fears and doubts, I get trapped into thinking I actually have control over how things turn out.
Then I end up suffering in ways I was trying to proven by staying safe.
It’s funny when you think about it - not so much when you are the middle of it
So how do we discern wise action - when do we listen and act on what our fears tell us, or ignore them and push through? For me, that is a skill I work on - but its an internal skill - and it takes practice. What helps guide me is getting in touch with my deepest values and using them to help me decide is the fear wise or is it just being scared of something new, failing or some other natural yet unhelpful concern.
Is that related to the skills you say you have been working on?.
April 27th, 2007 at 10:41 am
This is a quote I love on this topic:
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin
What I like about it is the acknowledgement that there is pain either way… but how it can be worse pain to live your life unfurled. I have tended to link fear with inaction, and action with “I’ll do that when I am confident, assured, and my inner weenie is completely subdued”… I began to realize that I was never fearless, and that things were a lot more fun and fulfilling when I acted even though I was afraid. To acknowledge my trepidation, but not be confined by it.
April 27th, 2007 at 11:12 am
that should read “worse pain to live your live *furled*”…
April 27th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
Your words should be printed in the sky so more could read.
Or prehaps a direct line to the brain with a side track to the heart.What a world we would have!