Family Services
Is your self development stressing your family? Yes!
After many years of working around human development, I have watched people who go through significant growth experience stress in their families. Even when change is for the better, change is still change.
It raises doubts with your loved ones like, "Will he still love me?", "Will she change so much, I won't know who she really is?", or "I don't even know what to talk about anymore."
The stress on the family and the individual going through the change can be enough that people stop their development, relationships end, and extra burden is placed on the person experiencing the change.
Has something like that ever happened to you? Have you ever noticed that when you make important changes in your life, it seems like there is even more stress than before?
That's because there is! When you change your habits - regular ways of seeing and doing things, you change the rhythm in the relationships. It sends a tremor through the very fabric of families. Even when it's about self improvement, a ripple of fear, resentment and stress is created.
Why would your loved ones be angry with your efforts to improve yourself?
Because you are changing. And they aren't sure you will still love them, will be there for them or even stay in their lives. It is like a dance. You and your partner know each other. She/he knows how you move, what your habits are, and how predictable you will be. Change that and the dance is thrown off. And your partner will work to get that dance back to the way it was.
Remember this whenever you take on any significant change effort in your life, whether it's changing your eating habits, taking up physical exercise, developing yourself spiritually, or working on your midlife crisis. Just remember: the bigger the change you're making, the bigger the disruption you'll create in the "dance" with those around you.
It is important to remember that your significant-other does not want to sabotage your development. They are simply experiencing natural and predictable reactions to change.
What can you do?
Four things:
1. Help them understand what is happening to you, and why you're engaging in these changes.
2. Check in with them. Ask what the impact of the changes on them has been like. Ask how you can help with it. Do not assume you know what they are experiencing. Ask and listen.
Then ask what they might need from you.
3. Ask for their help and offer ideas how. You cannot make substantive change alone. You need their help. Examples: Time when you need to be alone, feedback on how you are doing, and sharing what you are learning so they can be a bit forgiving while you are wobbly and new at it.
4. Share why the change effort is important for you and for them. Your love and commitment for them is a big motivator and sustainer while you are on this journey. You might assume they know this, but you need to reiterate this even if it feels awkward.
Sometimes when we are working so hard to improve ourselves, we get tunnel vision and forget those closest to us. Don't!
Back to Family Support