Engaging the Disquiet

Digging in - another cost to not heeding your Disquiet

Dave Schoof — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 03:06:58 +0000

One of the gut-ripping, walking the floor at 2am is the shame that often pops up with The Disquiet. Dr. Brown has done important research around this. Shame is tied to being vulnerable, the very last thing most of us wants to be when in the midst of this experience.

This sense of shame is often associated with the crisis that comes with questioning the very things that brought success that feel empty, or the feeling of being out of step with the world are important forces that cause problems when ignored.

If this resonates, check out her other videos and books. While her major focus is working issues of shame with women, she makes some important distinctions that are useful here. In other videos, she makes some interesting comaprisons of how men and women deal with shame differently.

Dr Brene Brown on shame and vulnerability

I think this is still relevant - do you?

Dave Schoof — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 18:27:15 +0000

I haven’t been posting much here for a while. I have been working with business leaders around the world for some time now. I have been consumed helping them in the crisis. As we have all been doing our best to navigate our lives in these difficult times, I have been listening to many men discuss their Disquiet.

I thought back to one of the first posts about why I was doing this work. I think it’s more relevant than ever. Here is what I wrote:

“What are you crazy?That is what was screaming back inside my head as I was showering one morning not too long ago. After 10 years of coaching executives in the fed and in private companies, I was thinking of starting a new business: Working with men to get greater peace in their lives. Why change a good thing?

Several years ago, I started seeing a theme with my male clients. They seemed restless and uneasy in their skin. Most were very successful and had all the trappings (2+ houses, family, cars, lots of money, lots of expenses), but they had no joy from it. They were starting to ask the big questions like, “what’s it all for anyway?”, or, “What’s next?”, or even, “I’m bored with it all”.

At first I thought they were just burned out.

Then, I had a few clients who were very different. They were men who were on the outside looking in. They seemed out of step with the world. Zombies in their jobs, yet outside of work they were full of life and ideas of what they wanted to do. They were jazzed up wanting to do something else for work but they were held hostage to jobs they hated to support their family’s way of life.

There were some common elements to these men. They felt like they were failures, even the successful rich executives. Because the key role in their life - their work - was dead for them, they felt like failures as men. The second piece of evidence was they kept silent about their suffering. They felt alone in it.

And finally, I was seeing how many weren’t handling the uneasiness well - some changed jobs or marriages, some many times. Others got caught up in unhealthy past times to avoid dealing with it.

Listen to the sound of Disquiet

Dave Schoof — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:00:14 +0000

The world needs your voice, your gifts. How often do you let them go quiet thinking it’s not the right way to go, not the right thing to do, or it’s not welcome?

“One night a man was crying, Allah! Allah! His lips grew sweet with the praising, until a cynic said, “So! I have heard you calling out, but have you ever gotten any response?”

The man had no answer to that. He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep. He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls, in a thick, green foliage. “Why did you stop praising?”

Because I’ve never heard anything back. This longing you express is the return message. The grief you cry out from draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness that wants help is the secret cup. Listen to the moan of a dog for its master. That whining is the connection. There are love-dogs no one knows the names of. Give your life to be one of them.”

Love Dogs by Rumi

Change your breath change your mind

Dave Schoof — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:47:19 +0000

A modern discussion of ancient prana breath techniques. They are very good for changing moods, energizing, jet lag and the doldrums. These two exercises may seem a little strange but they are very powerful and very portable!

Words of wisdom from Steve Jobs

Dave Schoof — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 19:31:58 +0000

Steve Jobs gave a commencement speech at Stanford University. I thought his wisdom applied very well to the struggle with the Disquiet.

“Stay hungry, stay foolish”

How to tune into the Disquiet

Dave Schoof — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 17:20:08 +0000

I talk a lot about the way to work with your Disquiet is to listen to its messages. Easier said than done! What’s the difference between your gut instincts or intuition and the old voices in your head telling you what you should and shouldn’t do?

When you are trying to figure out a course of action, it sometimes gets challenging to sort out all the messages swirling around in your head. How do I know I am not mistaking wisdom for laziness or plain old fear? How can I tell the difference between impulses and good judgment? How do I not mistake a message of making a change because I just don’t like something or is it the smart thing to do?

One way is to ask the different voices!

Yeah, tune into each message, give it a voice and listen to what it says. Let me give you an example.

I was working with a client around his Disquiet. He was contemplating going in a whole new direction with his life. This included a new job offer and he was struggling to determine if it was a good move professionally and personally. There were a lot of good reasons to take it and a lot of reasons not too. Using just logic, it was a stalemate.

We tried another way. He had related to me all these different voices in his head saying different reasons to take the job or stay put. Together we tried to sort them out by giving them names to each voice based on the message and the feelings that came with them. Once we did that we asked each voice more questions to learn “their” viewpoints.

Sounds a little schizophrenic doesn’t it? But if you ever really pay attention to all the different messages you are getting, you can hear different voices. Some of them are you and some of them are other people who are easy to recognize. How many of you hear you mom? Raise you hands. See?

So back to my client. There were a lot of messages, but we came up with several different voices that said things like, “you should take the job-it’s more money and prestige. It’s about time you get recognized for what you do. Never mind the negatives, take it!” Or, “Stay where you are don’t put yourself at risk no matter how good it looks”.

I then asked him where he felt the feelings and energy from these different messages in his body. That is when it got interesting.

A lot of the messages were loud and had lots of energy. He pointed to his head saying they swarmed around there and in his throat area. After we did an exercise to help him focus and hear more, he discovered there was a softer, quieter voice that came from more his belly. It’s message was almost hard to hear over the cacophony of the others. He could only hear it when he was quiet and focusing on his gut.

That voice included some of the concerns from the other voices, but it also spoke of how even if the job didn’t fulfill everything he wanted, he could change in 2 years. In the meantime there were specific things he could do that to improve his learning and doing more from his values. It had some other things to add that really sounded solid to my client.

He then took stock of all the messages and mined them for value. He found this last voice, the quiet one in the belly was his deeper wisdom. He now knew what he wanted to do. He was off and running.

Tune into your Disquiet. When mapping out what direction you need to go, listen to the different and even conflicting voices. Sort them out based on where they are in your body - meaning where do you feel them? That will help you zoom in for the gold. It’s like finding the right radio frequency for that quiet wise voice that gets drowned out in all the noise.

In the summer edition of my newsletter that is about to go out, we will take this into more detail and I will show you what you can do. If you haven’t signed up, you can at the “Get My Free Report” box on the side. You can then receive the quarterly newsletter which comes with the free report on my study of the Disquiet, or you can click here.

Time to tune into your Disquiet!

Whatever you do, don’t do this (encore)

Dave Schoof — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 13:01:44 +0000

I have been getting a lot of emails lately from people sharing what they are doing in trying to work with their Disquiet. I found myself referring back to an article I had written a while ago. So I thought it might be helpful to dust it off and re-post it here.

Ways not to handle your Disquiet

Working through your Disquiet is tricky. It is a very personal and isolating experience. Like transitions at other times of our life, navigating midlife is confusing and challenging. We are almost hard-wired with the thinking that if we are suffering, there must be a problem. And if there is a problem, it should be quickly figured out and resolved.

I have written a lot here how I believe what we have come to describe as the mid-life crisis (MLC) comes form ignoring the signals of the Disquiet. There is a lot of information out there on how to deal with your MLC, what to do and even think. There is not much written or said about what to watch for or avoid. Here are some tips from my learnings, personal experiences and from working with others.

Don’t do any of these regarding your Disquiet:

~Ignore it
~Jump into re-action
~Drug it
~Make fun of it
~Take it on alone

Ignoring it:

This is the most common method of handling a MLC. We have an amazing capacity to ignore important warning signs. At home, we all can step over a pair of shoes in the hallway - for days. My teenage son can drive the family car with the check engine light on and never ask about it. I can “learn to live” with a throbbing tooth until one day it cracks creating a major catastrophe.Ignoring the background hum of unease in our lives is unfortunately easy to do as well. Doing so, like the toothache, will cause it to increase and one day create havoc after being dismissed. It will move from the background to the foreground. In my opinion that is what creates the crisis in midlife crisis.

Don’t ignore the signals that something is off in your life. You know not to drive with the oil light on. Stop what you are doing and take time to listen to what your insides have to tell you. Your thoughts, emotions and even physical sensations and issues will all line up to give you some important information. Listen carefully.

Jumping into “re-action”:

You may be the kind of person that immediately jumps into action. The first thought that pops into your mind whenever a challenge appears is “OK, what do I need to do?” Or, you may be the person who does something else first: check what is out there in books and other sources of wisdom, call a friend, seek professional advice, or just take time to think about next steps - all before taking action. Whether you are in the first group or the second, there is a sense something different must be done to stop the discomfort.

You are right; there is a course of wise action to take. But not acting just to stop the discomfort of the MLC. A lot of people who are hurting in their MLC believe if they just make changes to their life, the pain will go away. They quit their jobs, leave their marriages, change what they wear and drive all in an attempt to see if what they do makes the pain go away. It might, or might not. And it will only go away for a while. This is why: If you react to the discomfort without learning what it’s really about, it will only come back.

This is how I describe it: “You may think that it will go away by taking action - leaving your marriage or job for instance. But it’s like eating lots of garlic and trying to hide it with mouthwash. The odor oozes out of your pores. Avoiding it just makes it come back smellier and messier. “

It’s tempting to think that once you are aware of this disquiet, you just need to make changes. Don’t! Making fast changes just to move away from the uneasiness does not keep it away very long. It will creep into your new job, your new relationship or your new home like a virus. Repeat this couple of times, getting the same or worse results each time, and you will find your life a mess. At best you will be like a hamster trapped on that spinning wheel for the rest of your life.
So watch out for jumping to doing something just to relieve the pain.

Drugging it:

This is another common reaction that only serves to exacerbate the suffering over time. Not understanding the cause of our pain, we do things to just make it go away or at least numb it. It’s a particular form of ignoring the messages of the MLC and doing something to just stop the hurt.

The “drugs of choice”? Most people aren’t surprised with the main ones: Abuse of alcohol or drugs (both prescription and illegal). But there are some others. Sex: extramarital affairs and obsessions that becomes harmful. TV and the Internet: more and more research (wikipedia) is showing the dangers of isolation and other issues from trading in your real world life for hundreds of hours of unreality.

Other normal activities taken to an extreme to numb the pain include excessive shopping and buying new toys (combine with TV’s QVC and you get a double dose). Problems from excessive gambling, also available online and on TV, is growing. Even the weekend warrior who becomes obsessed in an extreme sport or becomes a fanatic in a new physical endeavor is something to watch out for.

It’s the obsession and extreme behavior that I am pointing to and that is the issue here. Any one of these pursuits or activities is normal and beneficial. But taken into the extreme and for the purpose of moving us away from our direct experience of our life is the concern. Just like the jumping into action “re-acting” to the pain signals, this is another form of ignoring what you might really need.

Making fun of it:

This is just another form of not directly working with your MLC. Humor is an interesting thing. There is always a seed of truth in most jokes. That is what makes it ironic or clever. So this is different than ignoring all of the signals you are getting in your MLC, but it’s another way of avoiding dealing with them.

We all know the jokes and parodies of the male midlife crisis (my post about this). We enjoy the TV sitcoms that regularly milk it for all they can.
Don’t dismiss the signals that something important is happening - either for yourself or others. We all enjoy humor about the struggles in life, but, when taken to an extreme, it trivializes what is really happening.

So watch out if every time your life sends you a call for help, you brush it off with a joke or quip. You are only fooling yourself.

Taking it on alone:

It is really hard to navigate a MLC alone or without support. When we are in the middle of our stuff - all the things that we do automatically to cope with life’s difficulties, it’s very challenging to see how to take action wisely. We are habitual in how we react to things. A MLC is a call to react in a new way. It is a signal to change. And change is very hard to do alone. Another piece of advice from my website suggests taking a look at people who are happy and energized with how they are living their lives. If you listen to their story, they will tell you that they know the disquiet you are struggling with very well. They might tell you they did the same things you are doing now and how it didn’t work. They will then tell you they didn’t ignore their disquiet, but “listened” to it to learn what it had to tell them. Then they found their “true north” and charted a new course. And they will tell you they did not do it alone. They couldn’t have. It takes help.

This is a journey. And like any great journey, you need help and support. There are lots of resources out there - site like this and lifetwo.com for information and resources. Coaches like me, therapists, self development programs, and spiritual trainings and classes. Don’t wander into your wilderness without a map and a compass.

A scientist and her stroke of insight

Dave Schoof — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 00:33:45 +0000

Here is a fascinating video of a talk by a brain neuroanatomist, Jill Bolte Taylor, who had a stroke. The scientist in her kicked in as she bore witness to what was happening to her. Inside the tragedy, she discovered some amazing insights about how the brain works and how it validates some of the spiritual principles of interconnectedness and even enlightenment.

How does this relate to the Disquiet? I think it adds an important perspective. Like near death experiences that wake someone up to the preciousness of life, her story is one of wonder, comfort and insight. As you wrestle with the big questions of who you are and what is this all about, take in this inspiring piece of additional information for your map.

Thanks to the blog TED, for the vid and info. Ted is a great blog who’s byline is “Ideas worth spreading”. Let me know your reactions and how this fits into your search.

Hit the “Pause” button

Dave Schoof — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 13:23:24 +0000

Have you had that experience of waking in the middle of the night worrying about your life and how it’s not going right? Isn’t it amazing how you can almost feel the acceleration of the thoughts and then the panic deep in your gut flash-ignites as more and more things swoosh through your brain like a locomotive picking up speed?

That’s the Disquiet talking.

And ever catch yourself the next day as you try to delete that horrible feeling by getting busier in the day. I know I have jumped into work and activities like a madman after a night of suffering from the whirlwind of worry and fear. Like getting busier is the antidote. I think deep down I clutch at the idea that if I am busy and productive, those fears wonâ€™t come back.

But something else happened â€“ Iâ€™d hit a wall of Disquiet. I became very dissatisfied with what I was doing. Iâ€™d often feel like a fraud. Sometimes I got angry and impatient as I ran around going through the motions of accomplishment.

That’s the Disquiet hitting back.

I have learned through my own experiences and from working with others, that when the early warning signs of Disquiet show up, it is important to not speed up but do the opposite â€“ slow down, even stop. Hit the “pause” button in your life. A reader, Mike, commented on an earlier article here which really speaks to it:

At 39 I hit a certain wall of disquiet. I found it useful to firstly just stop what I was doing professionally, spend time with my family and write some things down.

From my diary:
â€œI remember being in our back garden at 10 years old. We proudly referred to it all the time as being â€œa third of an acreâ€! It had trees and hedges, a big crab apple. It was late Summer / early Autumn and the wind was up. I was dressed in my school uniform. Still in short trousers with knees that were bruised and shoes that were scuffed and scratched.

The wind came in gusts and stood me ridged for a few seconds and I braced myself against its push. I had been running about a few moments earlier on my own. Now I stood still and took a deep breath of air. I filled my lungs and energised my body. I closed my eyes and heard the leaves rustle. In waves the gusts pushed the hedge to my right and the sound made me open my eyes again to see the ripples of wind force along the hedge wall. I liked what I saw. Although it was late in the afternoon with fading light and a sky threatening cold and darkness, I relished again the rush of the wind on my face, forcing its way into me as if breathing was effortless. I made a conscious decision to stay where I was for a few moments more, watching the ripples in the grass and leaves tumbling and bouncing. The energy of the experience made me smile a happy smile and then I was off again running about the garden.

This memory keeps coming back to me. Itâ€™s the wind and the leaves mainly, the smell of the damp earth, clean air with the smell of winter. Perhaps the first smell of snow and ice from some northerly source. I believe that this was the first time that I had stopped. My surroundings had taken me by surprise and I stopped to take it all in. I had enjoyed the experience. It made me feel good. I didnâ€™t know it at the time because I had little perspective.

This has been my recurring dream, comprehending, I believe for the first time the joy of being alive. In the storm and darkness of previous months these images and then the whole dream came to the forefront of my mind. I believe my soul was telling me that I needed to go back there, to experience that joy.â€

There are two pieces of valuable wisdom here:

1. Stop the running around. Get still. It’s counterintuitive to the wanting to spin up your activities like a whirling Dervish Dancer. Creating a tornado in your life does not solve the Disquiet. It pretty much sets you up for hitting that wall. There are ways to do this and Iâ€™ll start sharing them here.

2. Once you have gotten still, pay attention to where your thoughts, dreams and musings take you. Not the ones that come with the middle-of-the-night anxiety attacks. Pay attention to those quieter ones that come when you do get quiet. They hold important wisdom and will give you a direction to navigate.

Making the big change - stories from the front

Dave Schoof — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 21:18:13 +0000

If you haven’t been to LifeTwo.com for while, I recommend a visit. Wesley and Greg have done an amazing job of building a information-packed community center dealing with midlife issues in all its forms. The subject of changing careers recently came up. Wesley writes:

“Changing careers in middle age is very different than in the life periods before or after. Middle age is traditionally the peak earning period in most people’s careers. It is the time when workers achieve their highest rank, their fattest salaries, and their most prestigious achievements. But it’s also the time that we have perspective on what makes us happy and if our current career path doesn’t entail sufficient satisfaction (or future promise), then for many of us it’s time to make a change.

This is the dilemma I hear from many of my clients. I experienced it myself: A deep itch to change directions but the prospect is terrifying. Some ultimately jump, some don’t. The ones that follow their calling (myself included) don’t have an easy time of it. But most of us experience feeling more aligned and more alive than before.

Those that don’t change, well, some have to deaden their pain to be able to keep plodding. The golden handcuffs of nearing retirement or just needing to feel safe keep their hearts in check.

Wesley has a call out for stories of real experiences. Check them out - reports from the trenches of changing careers. It’s aptly titled, ” The good, bad and ugly“. Add your own .

And let us know what you think! What is going on for you?

“Yes We Can” - Giving voice to the Disquiet

Dave Schoof — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:22:06 +0000

Whether or not you agree with his politics, there is no denying that Obama has tapped into the deep Disquiet in this country. In this video, several musicians blended with a speech that is giving voice to that Disquiet.

Yes We Can Song - Barack Obama Song by Will.I.Am

What if you gave voice to your Disquiet? What would your rally call be?

What are key skills in working with important change?

Dave Schoof — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 01:06:18 +0000

The answer: Go deep and hold the paradoxes.

This wisdom comes from Philosopher Peter Koestenbaum, who works with business leaders trying to lead more effectively. In an article “Do You Have the Will to Lead? in February’s issue of Fast Company (here is the full article), Koestenbaum proposes you must answer the deep questions inside.

Philosopher Peter Koestenbaum poses the truly big questions: How do we act when risks seem overwhelming? What does it mean to be a successful human being?
His agenda: to apply the power of philosophy to the big question of the day — how to reconcile the often-brutal realities of business with basic human values — and to create a new language of effective leadership. “Unless the distant goals of meaning, greatness, and destiny are addressed,” Koestenbaum insists, “we can’t make an intelligent decision about what to do tomorrow morning — much less set strategy for a company or for a human life. Nothing is more practical than for people to deepen themselves. The more you understand the human condition, the more effective you are as a businessperson. Human depth makes business sense.”Â

He is writing about effective leadership, but I think his wisdom can help with working with Disquiet. Following the unease, asking the really important deep questions, and then learning what to listen for is the key to being able to navigate it. What kinds of questions?

Why am I doing what I am doing?

How did I get to this point in my life?

What do I want my life to be about?

What makes me happy?

Taking these questions on is what it takes to set your course. When you read about the interviews of men working with their Disquiet in my study, you will see this is key. You can listen to a couple of interviews here.
That is why you won’t see me coaching someone on how to find the right job, what the keys are to being a good husband or how to plan for retirement. To create and sustain a life that is fulfilling, we have to go deeper to get clarity on the direction for your life. Once that happens, you will have a template for decision making that will make those kinds of choices easier to make.

I like how Koestenbaum advises his clients of the importance of being able to manage the paradoxes. Have you ever noticed how there are never clear cut choices or options? It’s vital to be able to work with what can seem to be contradictory messages coming at you from your Disquiet.

He talks about managing the polarities here:

I believe that the central leadership attribute is the ability to manage polarity. In every aspect of life, polarities are inevitable: We want to live, yet we must die. How can I devote myself fully to both family and career? Am I a boss or a friend? A lover or a judge? How do I reconcile my own needs with those of my team? Those paradoxes are simply part of life. Every business interaction is a form of confrontation — a clash of priorities, a struggle of dignities, a battle of beliefs. That’s not an invitation to wage an epic battle of good versus evil or right versus wrong. (Chances are, your boss is less of an SOB than he is an agent of the cosmos.) My point is, you have to be careful not to bang your head against the wrong door. Polarities are in the nature of things. How we act, how we respond to those polarities — that is where we separate greatness from mediocrity.

That doesn’t mean that we don’t have to make decisions. Tough choices are a daily requirement of leadership. Leaders have to hire and fire, to sign off on new strategies, and to risk investments — all of which can lead to stress and guilt. The presence of guilt is not a result of making the wrong choice but of choosing itself. And that is the human condition: You are a being that chooses.

Managing polarity teaches us that there are no solutions — there are only changes of attitude. When you grapple with polarities in your life, you lose your arrogant, self-indulgent illusions, and you realize that the joke is on you. To get that message makes you a more credible human being — instantly.

That last point is dead on. There is a humility that comes from making choices and then owning them. This is what it means to work with your Disquiet.

Â

What if it’s not a midlife crisis?

Dave Schoof — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 12:41:55 +0000

I receive a lot of emails from wives whose husbands have left them or are discovered having an affair.Â “He must be having a midlife crisis”.

Is it?Â In a NY Times article, Dr Richard Friedman, a professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College, challenges the notion. In discussing one case similar to the emails I mentioned, he described it as “this was a garden-variety case of a middle-aged narcissist grappling with the biggest insult he had ever faced: getting older.

He goes on to write, “Why do we have to label a common reaction of the male species to one of lifeâ€™s challenges â€” the boredom of the routine â€” as a crisis? True, men are generally more novelty-seeking than women, but they certainly can decide what they do with their impulses.”

But what about the bona fide midlife crisis?Â When confronted with the big questions like, “Now what?” or “What does my life mean?” don’t many people go through some kind of crisis?

Apparently not as many consider it a “crisis” as you might think.Â Friedman writes:

In 1999, the MacArthur Foundation study on midlife development surveyed 8,000 Americans ages 25 to 74. While everyone recognized the term â€œmidlife crisis,â€ only 23 percent of subjects reported having one. And only 8 percent viewed their crisis as something tied to the realization that they were aging; the remaining 15 percent felt the crisis resulted from specific life events. Strikingly, most people also reported an increased sense of well-being and contentment in middle age.

So what keeps the myth of the midlife crisis alive?

The main culprit, [says Friedman], is our youth-obsessed culture, which makes a virtue of the relentless pursuit of self-renewal. The news media abound with stories of people who seek to recapture their youth simply by shedding their spouses, quitting their jobs or leaving their families. Who can resist?

Most middle-aged people, it turns out, if we are to believe the definitive survey.

Except, of course, for the few â€” mainly men, it seems â€” who find the midlife crisis a socially acceptable shorthand for what you do when you suddenly wake up and discover that youâ€™re not 20 anymore.

What about the Disquiet?Â Is it a myth, a well crafted excuse for acting out while traversing a second adolescence?

My opinion?Â I believe it is very real.Â When we ignore the signals telling us we are living out of synch with our inner values, or that the model of how life works that we had in our head no longer fits our experience, there is Disquiet.Â And if we ignore it or numb it, it can grow and some act out like described here.Â The study I am conducting supports this.Â I also believe that many men are not having a midlife crisis but are using it as a great excuse.

What do you think?

Don’t die like the frog

Dave Schoof — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 22:19:16 +0000

â€œTime for Changeâ€ focuses on different issues about the Disquiet. Itâ€™s like a coaching conversation in which I will work on a particular aspect and provide steps you can take to work with your own Disquiet. You can ask questions or share you experiences here in the comments below. The newsletter will also introduce a relevant resource to help you in your work with your Disquiet.Please note that these quarterly newsletter editions are not available on the Feed. So if you want to receive your own issue when itâ€™s published, you can subscribe by filling out the form box on any sidebar on this site or by clicking here. You will also get a copy of the report from my ongoing study based on interviews with men around the world who discuss their Disquiet.

First, an announcement:

As most of you who have been with me for a while and subscribe to the newsletter have noticed itâ€™s been a while since you heard from me via a newsletter. First, I apologize for the absence. My work life changed last summer as I accepted a position with a global consulting firm that allows me to make a difference with my work within organizations on a larger scale with greater impact.

I decided on this move while working with my own Disquiet. I am very happy with this new adventure. One of the consequences has been a steep learning/acclimation curve that I didnâ€™t anticipate. Thus the slow down in the blog and the newsletter.

I am still very committed to my work with the Disquiet. And my new employer fully supports it as well. I see my work with the Disquiet as a life-long vocation.

To adjust to this new period of my life, I will be sending editions of the newsletter 4 times a year. It will continue to act as a conduit providing personal coaching around aspects of the Disquiet.

My goal with Blog is to provide a way for dialogue, share specific and timely resources and to answer questions. The rate of new entries has been variable as I am learning to find a new rhythm. Based on analysis of readership statistics as well as my own energy, I am looking at having an average of 2 posts per month.

And of course, I will continue to maintain my coaching practice with clients working their Disquiet. And the Study continues!

I am very interested in your reactions and how this meets your needs, so please let me know. As we try this new rhythm out together, please send me your thoughts, reactions and questions to dave@thedisquiet.com. Thanks!

==========================================

This editionâ€™s article: Donâ€™t die like the frog

Each year, I follow a long standing New Yearâ€™s tradition of reviewing what I have written in my journal from the year thatâ€™s ending. Kind of a personal year in review that coincides with my annul review of my business as I close the books. In recent years I have been surprised at how much has happened and how far I have traveled in my personal growth. It wasnâ€™t always like that.

Several years ago, I had taken a lot of leadership courses as part of my job. Many of those classes required some sort of reflective writing and journaling. One rainy afternoon, I was cleaning out my desk and I read through about 2 years worth of writing. I was stunned. The themes of feeling dead in the water in my career and life were easy to see. I didnâ€™t know what I wanted to do, how to change it or what steps to take. I just wrote how miserable I was. As the months passed, the comments and entries became less interesting and more monotonous - like the life had drained from my writing. Looking back at the whole period, I felt like I was reading the diary of a zombie. Eventually, the complaining stopped, what remained was an occasional comment that revealed no new course had been taken, just a slow acceptance of hopelessness.

Reading those writings reminded me of the story about slowly killing a frog. The story goes like this: if you were to drop a frog into boiling water, it would immediately jump out. But if you placed a frog into a pot of cool water and very slowly turned up the heat over time, the frog would eventually die, failing to detect the subtle increase in heat that was reaching lethal levels.

What I saw looking back on those writings was that I slowly numbed out to my unhappiness. Ultimately, it took a series of life changing jolts to wake me up and into action. So the steady hum of Disquiet can be in the background, slowly getting louder. But if you arenâ€™t listening and donâ€™t take action, you might end up like that frog â€“ metaphorically dying from a slow acceptance of your dissatisfaction. It happened to me and I see it with my clients all of the time. And some donâ€™t ever get out of the water, even when there is a jolt like a firing or a divorce.

What can you do to avoid the frogâ€™s fate?
Here is a 3-part process that can help.

1. Take stock of where you are at his moment.

You need to orient yourself - just like one of those â€œYou Are Hereâ€ markers on a shopping mall map. Here are some ideas how you can do this. See if any of these trigger other ideas for you:

Review any reflective writing, journals, even emails.

Take a walk and think back over the previous year. What are the highlights and low-lights that stand out? Looking back now, what are the themes and possible learnings?

How have you grown and progressed this year?

Focus on those long nights where you couldnâ€™t sleep. What kept you up? What worried you?

Interview your spouse, significant other or one who knows you best. Ask them what they have witnessed in you over the year. Ask them where you seemed to be at your best, worst and struggling.

What do you wish for? Do you ever secretly play fantasies out like when you were a kid? You know, like â€œIf I had a genie, what would I wish for?â€ What are your dreams? And if you have none, what happened to the old ones? Blow the dust off them and see if they still mean anything.

2. Get some long-range goals on the â€œmapâ€.

You need a point on the horizon to steer towards. Donâ€™t worry - you can always adjust it; you are not locking yourself in. Some of my long time goals: I want to have saved a specific amount of money for my retirement. I want to write a book about the Disquiet. I want my work with the Disquiet to be my post retirement career. I want to live in a particular environment for the next phase of my life. I have specific goals for the physical, spiritual and emotional parts of me.

Where do you get ideas for these goals? From step one. It takes some detective work as you sift through the â€œevidenceâ€ from what you learned. But it’s there. Keep sifting

3. Create some â€œgoodâ€ tension in your life.

Once you have steps one and two completed, you now have a gap between where you are now and what you want for your future. Notice, it doesnâ€™t have to be this huge, heavily detailed vision statement. Just some markers for you to navigate towards. Now, like stretching a rubber band between where you are today and where you want to be going, you have â€œcreative tensionâ€. This stretched rubber band generates energy for action.

This slightly uncomfortable tension is not something to ignore or sedate. It is something to stay aware of, because it tells you where to focus your attention next. Once you create the tension by identifying your goals, then you take steps in that direction. With each small step toward your goals, you ease the tension.

The daily question becomes: â€œWhat is the very next action I need to take and when will I take it?â€ I mean the actual next thing â€“ what phone call, what meeting, what piece of information you need next. And be very specific about when youâ€™ll take each step. Make a commitment to yourself to take that action by that time. That is how to build momentum for change â€“ by taking one small step at a time toward the future you want. That is how to avoid the frogâ€™s fate, dying from a slow, unintentional acclimation to an unsatisfactory life.

A few words about â€œcreative tension.â€ This term is used by Robert Fritz in his book, â€œThe Path of Least Resistanceâ€, you can read more about here.

As you start moving out and easing some of that creative tension, you will need to review and adjust your â€œmap.â€ As you get into action, you will uncover new or more specific goals. These will produce new creative tensions. This will keep you moving. Moving purposefully is very important in working with your Disquiet. Many of you will remember the old cars we learned to drive on: the kind without power steering. Remember how hard it was to turn the wheel when sitting still at the curb? But once you get moving, even at a very low speed, turning becomes very easy. You can change your course often and most easily when you are in motion.

The New Year is a natural time to start this work. In these dark hibernating nights of winter, there is almost a primitive call to stake stock of where youâ€™ve been and where youâ€™re going. Just acting on your Disquiet will start to change your life. You are becoming aware. You are no longer slugging through your life unaware of the rising temperature.

May 2008 be a year of awakening and action for you. I wish you good health, prosperity of the heart and a growing awareness of your life.

“Bah Humbug”, a holiday first aid list

Dave Schoof — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 20:39:27 +0000

This post was originally created in December 2006.Â It is re-posted here by popular demand.

Disquiet and the Holidays

Alister Sim as Scrooge
1951
www.cedmagic.com

I want to just go to an island without colored light-strings, department store carols, or the TV screaming at me to buy stuff at 1am for the best deals. I don’t want to watch all my favorite shows get mushy and sugary with fake snow and jingle bells in their soundtracks.

I actually seem angry when I daydream about Christmases past. I can’t seem to connect to anything good about it at all. So strange! I remember last Christmas when I was singing carols, buying Starbucks for strangers and loving every ritual and icon. What’s wrong with me?

Have you ever felt that way? Felt totally out of step with where everyone else seemed to be? Like the whole world was happy and you weren’t?

After working with my Disquietâ„¢ for years now, I recognize what is happening and know what to do. But in holidays past, I was confused and worried. And that only added about a ton of weight to an already overwhelming load of unease.

What’s happening with you? Are you like me, totally overwhelmed by a killer work schedule that crammed 4 months of work between November and now?

Or are you struggling with that undercurrent of unease that really seems to ramp up at this time of year? Between the marketing of family and happiness, and the mortality reminder of another year ending, there are a lot of swirling concerns about where you are not where you thought you would/should be in your life, where it’s going, and what it all means.

I have known that part as well. From my own journey, as well as working with my clients, I developed a Holiday First-Aid List to help engage what is happening in a productive and helpful way.

Stop fighting it: What is the truth about how you feel? Turn into it, not away from it. If you feel lost, anxious, grumpy, or exhausted, say that is what you are to yourself. Don’t pretend.

Get moving, don’t sit around: Stop the moping and inactivity. At least walk. Do anything to get the body moving. If you have been isolated, get into the world. If you have been overwhelmed by social contacts, get quiet. Change the pattern, but move your body.

Leave it or engage it - not the Disquiet, the holiday: Try either option in your imagination and see which one seems right to you. If the holiday is dead for you - call it’s time of death and do what you want to do. If that doesn’t seem right for you, decide you will find a way to actively be in the it (see step 6).

Give something - anything to somebody: This is a critical piece for tons of reasons. Give a gift, a dollar, time, help, anything. Find a way to give something of yourself. It doesn’t have to be big and it shouldn’t be splashy. Just give. It is a must for your heart - and your soul. Remember that book several years ago - “Random Acts of Kindness“? Do one of those.

Either make a meaningful retreat, or

Follow Ebenezer’s steps: You can turn this time into a wonderful and heart-felt experience of quiet, solitude, reflection and nourishment. Go on a personal retreat - either in your home or go find a quiet place. Unplug every distraction. Read, meditate, walk, pray, journal, listen to music. Make this a gift for yourself. Or, if it feels right and you intend to celebrate the season, follow Ebenezer Scrooge’s footsteps. Do what he did. Don’t know what he did? Then your homework assignment is rent the movie, “A Christmas Carol “, and watch him. It works!

In my case, this Christmas season snuck up on me. Starting this new focus in my business, working through some health issues, and managing an usually loaded work schedule all ganged up on me. I am frazzled and need R&R. So I know what I need to do and have put these steps in motion. And they’re working! I noticed, and really hung out with, the feelings of increased stress and anxiety. I interrupted a pattern of being isolated because of a lot of computer time and little real-world time. I did some high quality, low quantity and careful gift buying. And I found some ways to really contribute and support my significant-other in her work.

Worked like a charm! Yesterday I caught myself actually whistling and humming some carols, I cooked up a holiday kind of meal, and I felt joy in my heart. My sense of this Holiday season on this year in my life will be what ever it is. It will be unlike any other. I will be awake and open to my experience of it.

So engage your Disquiet. Be real. Be well.

Happy Holidays!

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