Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

The Disquiet in Men

Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

What are the 5 things a woman desires in a man?

Here is an interesting article I read on Nicolette Beard’s man-o-pause Blog (BTW, she has a great blog, check it out). In her article, she describes a new book that may be helpful:

My friend, Eliot Katz, author of Being a Strong Man a Woman Wants, wrote me to say that he’s now marketing his book to…Women! After several months in print, he realized that his main buyers are women, who give it to men with the comment, “This is what I’ve been trying to tell you all this time.”

So what exactly are women trying to tell men?

Here are five of Woman’s deepest desires:

Desire #1- Show leadership

If a man wants to have a good relationship with a woman, he has to show leadership. When he sees a situation that needs to be dealt with, he should step forward and handle it. People admire those who step forward to handle difficult situations. We don’t admire those who stand back and wait for others to solve the problem.

Some men avoid taking the lead because they don’t want to be criticized. They think they’re playing it safe but women don’t like it. A man should say, “I’ll handle it,” and take the initiative to find solutions. If he’s not sure what the solution is, do what other leaders do – consult some of the many sources of information available.

Desire #2 – Make decisions

One of the meanings of the word “manly” is being decisive. To be the strong man a woman wants, a man needs to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. If he’s reluctant to make decisions, she may resent him. Part of making decisions is understanding the other person’s views and being flexible. She doesn’t want someone controlling her, but she also doesn’t want someone who leaves every decision to her. A man who is afraid of making a wrong decision should ask himself: Who should make decisions – someone who isn’t afraid of making mistakes?

Desire #3 – Take responsibility

One of the meanings of the word husband is someone who skillfully manages his household. A manager takes responsibility. There is little sympathy for a man who blames a woman for something that has gone wrong. He’s often still held responsible. People will ask him, “Why did you let it go on?” A man has to look at himself and see how he can change his own actions to properly handle similar situations.

Desire #4 – Be strong

A man who is strong is in control of his emotions – especially his temper. Blowing up in anger can seriously damage a relationship. If a man thinks he can’t control his anger – he should imagine that just as he’s getting angry at someone – the telephone rings and it’s his boss. Would he calm down? Pretty fast or he’d lose his job. Not getting angry doesn’t mean he accepts bad treatment – it means he calmly sets limits on the treatment he accepts from others.

Desire #5 – Be manly

Being manly is not being macho. Manliness is the positive qualities of decisiveness, strength in one’s convictions, confidence, self-reliance, high moral qualities, self discipline, honesty and integrity. A man who is manly has courage to deal with difficulty, pain or danger without backing away despite his fear. Is manly strength a virtue? One of the meanings of the word virtue is manly strength.

So there it is. Maybe this can help clarify some of the tension and confusion around expecatations and roles.

What do you say?

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14 Responses to “What are the 5 things a woman desires in a man?”

  1. Charles "Chuck" Cuyjet Says:

    Great synopsis. One may also want to check out David Deida’s book, The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

  2. Dave Schoof Says:

    Thanks Chuck! You are so right – I am almost finished with Dieda’s book! I am planning to post it in my recommended recources section, but had to finish it first.
    David Deida is terrific. I have been following his work for years through Ken Wilber’s intgeral work.

    In fact you can see videos and articles with David on Ken’s site:

  3. Empowering Links: Week of 26th November - Life Coaches Says:

    […] Engaging the Disquiet has the answer to what are the 5 things a woman wants in a man. […]

  4. Leslie Williams Says:

    Dave, as a woman and an executive coach of senior level women, I found this blog entry particularly interesting.

    Speaking for myself – and informed by my female clients and friends – I would agree that women often want these five characteristics in men. For example, if we’re at the scene of a car accident, there is nothing more comforting than a man stepping in and taking charge. But here’s the difference, and it’s a big one:

    When it’s OUR problem, we DON’T want you to take charge. We love your decisiveness at the scene of an accident. But at the scene of our own dilemmas, it feels patronizing and diminishing. I think that’s what is so confusing to men. When the issue is out in the world, we want your manliness. But when it comes to US, we want you to just listen, so that we can take our own leadership and make our own decisions.

    Thanks for this great site and these really useful, thought-provoking blog entries.

  5. Dave Schoof Says:

    Thanks Leslie – I think you nailed the dilema and a source of major mis-steps in relationships.  That urge to be the problem solver is such an automatic reponse.  I am glad you like the site and the blog.  Pls come back and contribute whenever you like.

  6. Dave Says:

    For a similar article – click on my name

  7. Stuart Baker Says:

    Wonderful post, Dave.

    For Leslie Williams (and others), how about asking a woman if she would like your take on an issue?

    My delightfully spiritual girlfriend and I frequently discuss challenges we are personally facing with an eye towards clarity and growth. I find that to ask her if she would like to hear from me always yields a positive response. I also have a male friend with whom I equally share this type of respectful exchange, and we ALWAYS want to hear what the other is seeing.

    And, both of these important people in my life feed me a ton of wisdom.

    I spend part of my time doing mediation/negotiation and consulting, and I find that God, respectful questions are such a simple, powerful way into deeper conversation. Of course many people know this, but I just want to acknowledge it. Thanks.

  8. Claire Celsi Says:

    I think the first 5 things that women want are a good start. Personally, I also want a man who takes a very active role in planning his own future (both relationships and financial) and someone who takes an active role in raising their children. Thanks for providing this forum.

  9. Simonne Says:

    Hi, I pretty much agree with your points, I want all these things from a man. But… there are two additional wishes which come on top of your list: listen to me and make me laugh.

  10. Dave Schoof Says:

    Claire & Simone – great additions! Eliot if you are reading you might want to add these to your book!

  11. Engaging the Disquiet » Blog Archive » Is Jack Bauer the role model for today’s man? Says:

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  12. George Says:

    I started following a very similar set of rules for myself a long time ago. But I was afraid of making decisions and leading. When I corrected this, things really turned around for in all of my relationships; not just women. Your friends really respect the guy who will make decisions without doubt – and you quickly learn they would rather back your bad decision than your indecision.

  13. Dave Schoof Says:

    George – I think it’s such a trap to not do anything until I know everything I need to know or to make sure I won’t make a mistake. It reminds me of the days before power steering – it was easier to turn the wheel once the car was moving. It’s so much easier to course correct when we are in motion.

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