ETD # 19 How to know what to say and when to say it

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“I only told the truth. I did the right thing. Now he’s all upset. He just doesn’t want to hear the truth. He can’t handle the truth. Now what do I do?”

This wasn’t Jack Nicholson in the movie, “A Few Good Men”. This was a woman who had contacted me about her lack of success in discussing her husband’s Disquiet with him. She had tried to share what she thought was going on for him. It didn’t go well. He felt judged.

She had told her husband how his behavior was causing stress in the house. She told him he needed to work on his midlife crisis. She used examples. Technically, she seemed to be doing it right. But how was she saying it? That was the rub. When she related what she was saying, I could hear what sounded to me like a fire hose of how he was screwing up. She was pretty unrelenting in providing evidence that he was not dealing with his Disquiet. She did tell the truth and she was right, he couldn’t handle it.

But what she didn’t realize is no one could handle it . She used the truth like a sledgehammer. It sounded to me she might have been more interested in proving she was right. That can happen under the guise of “I’m just telling the truth”.

This has happened to me – a lot. I really struggle with this. How to tell a truth in a way that doesn’t create more harm?

Have you ever thought about saying something and your decision is based on whether its true or not? It is, so you lay it on the person only to find that it doesn’t go so well?

Something being true does not mean it won’t disrupt, hurt or cause problems. Something that is true can also be very harmful. There are some additional elements you need to consider beyond the truthfulness of the content in order to communicate productively.
Here are the elements to skillful speech:

1. Is it true? If not, don’t do it. But also don’t stop here, read on.

2. Is it kind? Ah, here is the rub. Can I say what I think is true in a way that the other person can hear it and not be harmed by the message.

3. Is it helpful? Well….it is for me. That’s not enough. Is it useful for the other person or group?

4. Is it unifying? Does speaking it help further the relationship or can it disrupt and cause a break?

These are the elements to skillful speech. I can usually say “yes” to 3 of the 4 criteria. Getting all 4 is sometimes really challenging. When that happens, I really have to rethink saying what I was going to say. If I end up not being able to say it in a skillful way, I often decide not to say it. And every time I have done that, it turned out to be the right thing.

This is not about not speaking up. It’s about when you speak up, do so in a way that is skilful and powerful.

When trying to share your concern about your loved one, be sure to explore these elements. If you can only hit one or two, reconsider what you have to say and why. And if you can’t find a way to say it without having all of these elements, consider not saying it.

Try this out and let us know how it goes! Which elements are easy and which are real challenges to include?

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Tags: Life, Podcasts, The Disquiet, Women & family, midlife crisis, relationships, working with the Disquiet, helping husband, productive communication, skillful speech, truth as a sledgehammer

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 1st, 2007 at 10:33 am and is filed under Life, Podcasts, The Disquiet, Women & family, midlife crisis, relationships, working with the Disquiet. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.