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4 Tips for Dads with Disquiet
Don’t forget the kids!
Sometimes when we are struggling in our lives, we lose focus of everything but our suffering. Ever notice that? It’s like that becomes the only thing you can really see. Everything else gets blurry. I remember when I decided my next car would be a Subaru Forrester. All of a sudden, that is all I saw on the road!. One day they didn’t exist and the next, the entire human race was driving one. It’s funny how what we are focused on filters what we see - and what we don’t. Those cars weren’t all purchased in one day. This shows up as well in the struggle with the Disquiet. It can consume you, taking all of your focus. And things can disappear from your view.
The idea about focus came up after reading an article on tips for being a good dad at Men’s Health. It was pretty good, but more importantly, it triggered some memories of when I was really struggling through what I figured was a midlife crisis when my kids were in their preteens.
I just wrote about this in an article at Lifetwo.com:
I can easily recall the main focus on my attention was on my being lost. I was feeling in a rut at work, lifeless at home and just kind of wandering through my day. I didn’t neglect my kids. I was doing all the right things. But was I really focused on them enough? No way. You know how you can multi-task as a parent? You can wash dishes, help with homework and be thinking about the memo that has to get out the next morning all at the same time. But what is really happening? Are you really there? And don’t the kids know it?”
I went on in the article to describe how I decided to share with them what I was struggling with. I just knew that at some level, they could sense I was “off” and I didn’t want them thinking it had anything to do with them. Try as you might, and you might even be a great actor, you cannot fool kids. They know when you are faking it.
So as you work with your Disquiet, don’t forget to take time for your kids. Try to keep them in focus. Even if you have tried to cover up your unease and Disquiet, they know something is off. You cannot fake it with them. And worse, being kids, they might start thinking your being “different” is because of them. So here are some things to consider:
1. Share with them what you are going through. I am really glad I told my kids. In my situation, they were preteens and you have to be age-appropriate. You also want to remember why you are telling them - to reassure them you love them and are there for them. Also, it’s a chance to educate them about life and the Disquiet. But you do not want to overwhelm them or smear them with your unease and tales of woe. So there is a need for intention and careful speaking. And for me, there were unexpected benefits. As I wrote in that article, a couple of years later, I was approached by one of my children who was struggling with the “meaning of life” kind of issues. We had amazing discussions that came from a common experience that really bonded us. That continues to this day. Amazing.
2. When you are with them, be fully present. I know we all pride ourselves on being great multi-taskers. Raise your hand if you have ever read a bedtime story with your child while planning the next staff meeting or other urgent task at the same time. Yup. Thought so. You can lower your hand. The kids can sniff this out as well. Check your multi-tasking talents at your kid’s bedroom door. While you are with them, really be there. If you are tired and distracted, do the best you can. Do it in spurts. But try.
3. Watch out for what you are focused on. Just like seeing the Subarus everywhere, whatever you are focused on is what you will see. A tricky thing about the Disquiet is it’s like a cloud of smoke. There is no form to it. You know you are suffering but you may not yet know why, and you can really get consumed by it. It becomes the focal point of everything you see as you try to figure out what is happening. Everything else gets blurred. That could happen with your kids. Read about the Disquiet here. That might help make it less a mystery that keeps calling your attention. Take a break from the struggle and remember your kids.
4. Be a Dad - it helps you remember who you are. My kids are the best mirror for me, reminding me of what is important and also the best things in me. When I am lost, nothing brings me back to knowing me faster than being with them. It is important for them and it also helps you.
As with all tips, advise and suggestions, look for what helps you and feels supportive. The last thing I want to do is add guilt or burden you with more roles and responsibilities if you are feeling stretched in life. Just do the best you can. If you are really struggling, take an audit of just how much energy you have available. And try to spend some of it with your kids. They are the most unconditional of the demands in terms of love. They will happily take whatever you can give them.
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Tags: Men's Roles, Podcasts, The Disquiet, relationships, dads, family, mens coaching, midlife crisis, personal development
February 9th, 2007 at 11:55 am
I’m constantly amazed how much my daughter has become my teacher.
This recent article says it all http://workingawareness.com/mmm/up-your-nose/
February 11th, 2007 at 11:21 am
There is a great blog article from my friend Steven at “Change Your Thoughts” on being a better dad. Click here.
February 11th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Hi Dave
Strange, after I had posted my article I came across your article, I wasn’t copying (honest lol).
I love this blog and visit often.
speak to you soon.
February 11th, 2007 at 11:53 am
LOL - Hi, Steve. It is funny, the articles are different just same topic at the same time……great minds think alike
February 23rd, 2007 at 9:14 pm
More on this topic - click on the link above
February 24th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Related post - click on the link above.
March 10th, 2007 at 8:51 am
Hi Dave - This topic is one that I continue to struggle with at times. My kids are extremely important to me, and your article reminds me how acutely they sense when I’m happy, focused, content, or stressed, overwhelmed, befuddled. Fortuntely, they are fairly accepting most of the time - when not, it’s usually a sign that we need a break. My youngest son has been a good role model in this regard, asking for help or time alone when things are too noisy or hectic.
Sharing a bit of one’s struggles is something that kids appreciate, I think, though how much to share and when can be a delicate matter. Still, the sharing can provide some relief in knowing that dads, like kids, are so very human!
March 10th, 2007 at 9:15 am
It is delicate. I think spending some time reflecting and checking in your heart will help guide how much and how to say what we might share.
April 10th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
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April 18th, 2007 at 11:50 am
In my case, I think the single biggest source of ‘disquiet’ is the fact that soon both my kids will have left home; my oldest has already been away at university for three years, and my youngest leaves in September.
I’ve always been a “devoted dad”, very involved in my kids’ lives and interests. They have been the focus of my entire life for the past twenty years.
And so I’m dreading the day, not very far away now, when they’re both gone.
I recognize that I will have to find something to fill my time, and to distract myself from their absence. But at this point I have no idea what that will be.
Anyway, I’ll keep reading this site, and hope that in time I will be able to look at this dramatic change in my life’s basic rhythms more positively.
April 18th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
Brent - thanks so much for raising this. For some reason our culture doesn’t allow for Dads to grieve this major life change. And it hits hard doesn’t it?!
I’m in the same boat - one in first year of college and the second leaving in one year and a half.
There is a real loss of old ways but also new beginnings. There is a loss of a very familiar way of being a dad and a call for a new way. It means re-calibrating for sure. My oldest visits infrequently as his life takes hold. But you know, these times that we are together are amazing. Seeing him step into his manhood and how he is turning out is such an honor.
And I am really dedicated to making the most of the time I have left as the “traditional” dad for my youngest.
There is a grieving process so best wisdom suggests letting it all in so that you can process it. And begin to look for new ways to be a dad in their lives.
And truth be told, I am already fantasizing about being a super -cool grandpa
Pls stay in touch and let me know how I can support you.
September 24th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
I think this is a terrific list, Dave. It balances transparency with responsibility and demonstrates the personal (and wider) benefits of both.
Our kids learn from us constantly and (while there will always be somethings that aren’t appropriate to share with kids, they’d be a burden to them) when we habitually hide things - don’t let them into our humanity and our world - we let anxiety fill in the blanks for them (poorly) and estrange them from us, not to mention teaching them poor problem-solving strategies.