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Dr Hal Shares his Disquiet
Yesterday, I had the privilege of interviewing Dr Hal Sommerschield. as part of my ongoing study about the Disquiet in men. He was very generous in discussing his experiences with his Disquiet. I want to share what he had to say about his interview as he published it on his blog today.
Dr Hal, as he is known, is an fascinating guy. He is a clinical psychologist who has studied how people change. He has developed some innovative change programs called mental fitness training, which you can read about at his site, www.northstarmentalfitnessblog.com.
Dr Hal described his own Disquiet on his blog. He wrote:
“Inside me, I had and have wonderful thoughts, insights, feelings and dreams. I learned to nurture the inner and real me, while concealing the real me from others. This began my disquiet. A process was started that is difficult to stop.
As I grew up the inner me was not accepted or validated. I felt like I didn’t fit, while everybody thought I was comfortable, because I acted like my hands fitted perfectly the gloves of their expectations”
This is similar to many other men’s accounts of their Disquiet. Many trace their earliest recognition of their unease back into to their childhood. We often think about the Disquiet as a Mid Life Crisis, an adult issue. But more and more, I am hearing stories about earlier brushes with it, usually revolving around two issues: not fitting in or not being who they really are. And this suffering, just like the adult experiences, is done mostly in silence.
Dr Hal describes what he learned in working with his Disquiet:
“Dave asked me what I do to quiet my disquiet? When he interviewed me, I forgot to tell him about my wife. She amazed me. She accepted me. She validated me. She was excited about my wonderful thoughts, insights, feelings and dreams. She quieted my disquiet and still has the power to do so.
This is what I want and need to do to reduce my disquiet:
Talk about the inner me with my wife and those who accept me
Don’t share my inner self with those who don’t care;
Don’t work or associate with people who only are concerned about their [own] expectations;
Have the courage to live my life according to my expectations;
Express my inner life in my relationships, activities and goals;
Listen to music;Make time for play, fun and relationships.
Dr Hal continues, “I don’t want to convey that I am “perfect” in reducing my disquiet. Sometimes, I am very successful and at other times I’m not. I must learn to recognize my disquiet as a call for actively applying one of my solutions for reducing my disquiet or for caring for me. I can only have happiness, peace of mind, freedom and control over my life, when I am connected to the real me and those who care.
I know I Live within the Environment Created by My Choices!”
Dr Hal, thank you for sharing your experiences so other people can learn.
My study continues. I interview on average 4-5 men a month. When I hit 100 interviews, I will pause and write a formal study that will also lead to a book. If you would like to be interviewed, I would love to hear your story. I am collecting basic demographic information for the study, but can easily keep your identity confidential if you like. Some men prefer to stay confidential, others are enjoying the exploration the interview affords, and are sharing it in their world. They have given me permission to identify them. So from time to time I will feature their story here.
If you would like to be interviewed, shoot me an email !
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Tags: Podcasts, Resources, The Disquiet, The men's study, Working with change, be interviewed, change programs, Mid Life Crisis