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How to know what you want
When you start to get in touch with your Disquiet, you may feel the heaviness of dissatisfaction with how your life is not going the way you want. You want it to change. But change to what? You know what you don’t want, but what do you really want? It’s a tough question.
When I coach a man with Disquiet, one of the biggest chunks of work is getting clarity on what he wants. I don’t mean general goals or just a desire for a more satisfying life. What I mean are specific goals. This can be really hard for someone to identify for themselves without some outside help.
John Welsey from Pick The Brain makes a great point about this. He writes:
Most of us don’t know what we want. We think we do, but we really don’t. We only know what we don’t want. We don’t want a boring job. We don’t want to be poor. We don’t want to disappoint our loved ones.
Knowing specifically what you want is much different than knowing what you don’t want. When you only know what you don’t want, your intentions aren’t focused.
And focused intentions are key for creating a new map and charting your course for experiencing your life in a new way. Getting clarity through creating specific goals is critical to be able to move forward.
Getting that clarity can be hard. Sometimes it is really hard to get in touch with what we want - either in a particular situation or in the bigger question of what we want out of life. Ever feel like you can’t seem to get in touch with what makes you happy? Or what sparks your creativity? Sometimes you only know you don’t want to feel the emptiness or heaviness.
What is happening?
Well, it is like putting a glass jar over a burning candle. The flame gets weaker and smaller as the oxygen runs out. Eventually it is snuffed out. When we hear the word “depression”, we think of the psychological or medical condition. But think about the word. DEPRESSED: Pushing down, put in a lower position, pressure. The spirit, the spark of creative energy is pushed down.
So the first order of business is to get lift that glass jar off the candle. How do you get back in touch with what lights your fire?
1. Start moving - Get active. Anything - even just walking. You know by now that exercise changes your emotional state as much as your physical. It has been proven as an effective treatment in depression. So it makes sense that it would help in getting back in touch with your fire.
2. Get your mirrors back - Sometimes we don’t feel like we remember who we really are or what we are good at in life. It’s hard to feel motivated to make changes or try new things when we are full of doubt. So get back in touch with the people who know who you are and can reflect back to you what they see in you. It can help you get back in touch with you. Always make sure you have “good mirrors” around you in your life. It is a critical success factor.
3. Bring out the oldies - Bring back some of the things you used to enjoy doing, if you don’t feel the same charge. Sometimes it helps to just do one anyway. I used to enjoy painting, but stopped a several years ago. I used to enjoy how time suspended from the intense focus. While I don’t have the same feelings about painting, when I start doing something related to that experience like sketching, something gets turned back on. Sometimes it is very subtle but it’s there. And it might re-ignite or trigger something new.
4. Start something new - Learn something new. It could be a language, golf, a musical instrument, a new game, a hobby, etc. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is you place yourself in the process of learning. It gets the mind active in new ways, which builds new neural pathways. This can jump you up out of the rut.
5. Keep track of the sparks - As you are doing these things, keep track of your experiences. When something kicks up a spark of interest or a reaction, write it down. It may seem totally innocuous or you can’t see at the time what it really means, but write it down anyway. Examples could include a walk in the woods, a particular conversation, seeing a movie, etc. Include the smallest incident that seems to create a spark of joy or interest. Review what you write and look for any themes. This will do two things: It will start re-stoking your furnace and it will become easier for you to know when you find something that interests you. Second, the themes often will pint to particular things you can start or change that will enliven you.
Notice that all of these steps are actions. That is the key. There is an important role for contemplation and reflection in working with your Disquiet. But it is not enough. When you are trying to discern the what it is you want, you need to do something to stoke the flame. When it starts burning again, it becomes much easier to focus on what you want and how to get there.
What helps you re-ignite your flame?
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Tags: The Disquiet, Working with change, Resources, Work, career, clarity, DEPRESSED, focused intentions, Getting clarity, goals, personal development
March 22nd, 2007 at 9:33 am
Hi Dave, I had disquiet when I was about 40. Basically it came from the role & expectations put on me because of the way I was positioned as a woman at the time I was growing up and married. I learned to live a submissive role. Thus, family and friends were comfortable with me in that role expected me to live that role.
I value all these people dearly so with a lot of time and patience, I have gently helped them to be more comfortable with wife and mom who’s a leader and researcher.
Dave, I went back to university to obtain a PhD at age 58. Now I’m a very different person than I ever imagined at 40.
March 23rd, 2007 at 7:11 am
What a challenge to change other’s perceptions of your role! It sounds it couldn’t have been possible without you staying focused of your love for them. Thanks for your inspiring story!
May 26th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
[…] To do his though, a man must turn down the volume of his ego’s need to get it right, look good or be smooth about it. The act of learning to listen to where you are out of synch with what is most important to you takes courage and openness. It takes a willingness to look at some raw stuff and be able to be awkward as you learn a new way to go in your life. […]