Helping you live in mid-life without a crisis
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What if I think my husband is having a midlife crisis? Part 2
To continue the discussion started earlier in Part 1, here are some things you can do:
Ask questions, but in a way that helps.
It is important to open up the communication between the two of you. I am not going to kid you, this can be really hard. I know if my significant other starts asking me about what is going on, probing my feelings and demanding an explanations about something I don’t understand in myself, I am going to go underground or get resentful. I will feel the extra burden of feeling pressured. So this is tricky. How do you connect, show you care and are concerned, but give him room. Some tips:
- 1. Don’t ask the “why” questions. They demand explanations and accountings. Often the person in the midst of a midlife crisis doesn’t know the answers. That is what adds so much fear and angst. Ask a questions starting with “why” and you get defensiveness.
- 2. Don’t start off with questions, share with sharing what you are seeing and experiencing, that you understand he must be struggling, and that you want to support him.
- 3. Focus on conveying that you are not demanding answers from him but that you want to understand what he is experiencing. Join him in being mystified and even curious about his disquiet.
There is a book I highly recommend that can really help here: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler.
Listen, and then listen some more:
Ask questions that open up and expand the issue. Listen - not just for what he is saying, but for what he is not saying. Listen to what is underneath what he is saying: the feelings, values, and fears. Be a bit of a detective and see if you can deduce what he is most worried about, what is driving him, and where he is suffering. Listen with your heart not your brain.
Know what you can control and what you cannot
This is important. Having a partner go through a midlife crisis is much like having them suffer a serious illness. There is a huge load that you pick up and carry. If the relationship is breaking down, that load can become intolerable.
Relationships can weather all kinds of storms.. Sometimes, what seems like a loss cause can be healed and nursed back to health, becoming strong than before. Sort of like a healed broken leg.. And, sometimes relationships get broken and cannot be repaired. You have to take care of yourself. That may mean moving on, getting support and beginning the healing. If the relationship seems broken beyond repair, or if abuse is occurring, the only thing you can do is control what you do, think and act. Take care of yourself.
Get help for both of you
If the descriptions in the opening to this article match your spouse, go get help. No kidding. And if he won’t get help, go yourself. You need support. If money is an issue, there are women’s centers, churches and social programs that include counseling for free.
In terms of therapists, shop around. Ask questions and check on their experience with men going through a midlife crisis. Test-driving therapists is important. You will know in your heart and gut when you find one that is a good fit.
At the very least, get support from friends and family. You need a place to vent, to cry and to lean. He does as well. If he will get some support, great! If not, you need to take the initiative if only for yourself.
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Tags: Resources, The Disquiet, Women & family, relationships, family, family stress, family support, husband with midlife crisis, midlife crisis, personal support, relationship, women supporting men
April 4th, 2007 at 9:57 am
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April 11th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
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May 13th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Last July I interviened an email from a woman in Mexico that my H was seeing. He said she was a companion but the email indicated more. He over the following week said he was tired and that he had feelings for her. He liked her joy and happy spirit. He was glad to be off the pedistal.
I paniced and told my family. He later decided during that week that our marriage was over and that he was going to have an affair with her. He no longer could give me comittment.
This lasted until he returned home and I served him divorce papers last December. He had asked for one and said he wanted his freedom. He had some kind of love for me but not the hold your hands kind and he had failed me. He wanted excitement, challange, take chances. Our marriage had become boring and predictable and he felt he was living in quick sand.
He returned to live back here in May of this year. Living at his sister’s home. The lawyers got involved and I did not want to negotiate the terms of the divorce with him. He sold his business and wants to go to England for 6 months to search for the love of his life. Presently he has a new girlfriend. He said to me “they are good when they are fresh”.
He has shoulder long hair, mercedes and E type Jag convertibles. He says that he is never coming back to me again and that someday I will see the honor in his decision.
We have a 16 year old teenage son who is handling adolescence better than his father is acting now.
My H father had affairs and caused him to have alopecia in high school. He hated him for his violent temper.
I have read ALL the books. Suggested counselling but he does not see that anything is wrong and he sees no need in assistance. He wants to ride this out and go where the wind may blow him.
He is verbally cruel and then apologetic. He has put our relationship of 18 years behind him and closed the book as he says.
I fear that there is nothing that I can do and he did say that there was nothing I could have done or do now to change things.
He said that he feels a gain in his life and not a loss. He lost his father 8 years ago after a heart transplant and then cancer 10 years later took him. His grandfather died 1 year ago and a close friend was killed 3 years ago in Mexico while he was working there.
He said he had wanted out of the marriage for 2 years before the email that I found.
I had no idea. He never communicated any concerns to me.
The crew in Mexico all seemed to disolve their marriages and I hoped that this would be over when he returned and we could cancel the divorce or delay it.
Sadly he has chosen this path and I have no recourse but to go on with my life and raise our son.
He was a moral, caring, intellegent, man.
He admits to changing and sees this as a great journey for himself.
I can not help him and can only say that you have to do what makes you happy.
It is unbelievable the change in him.
I have to now sit back in the history of his life and watch possibly the demise of a wonderful man.
G
May 19th, 2008 at 4:25 am
Glenda,
First, my deep sadness for you, your kids and your husband. You describe a heart breaking story that really paints the pain and suffering that can comes from how we deal with the Disquiet.
Thank you for sharing this as it will serve others.