Helping you live in mid-life without a crisis
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One of the key secrets to lasting change
I think one of the main reasons we fail to make the big changes we want in our lives is because we think it’s about will power. We think to ourselves, “If I really want something different, I have to just do it.†And when it gets tough, I just have to try harder. And when it doesn’t work, I have must blame myself: “I didn’t try hard enoughâ€. “I am not strong enoughâ€. “I didn’t have enough will power.â€
There are other things we occasionally like to blame: it was God’s will, it wasn’t meant to be, the universe didn’t answer, or I didn’t deserve it. Those are for other discussions.
Most of us, at one time of another, blame our lack of will or endurance for not getting to our goals.
It is not about will.
Major life change is really hard. It is possible, but really hard. And it does not happen by our deciding to exert our will or gut it out.
To begin to change the way you want to live, you must change the way you think.
This sure challenges the message behind the famous Nike slogan, “Just do itâ€!
My friend Dr Hal writes about how many think that their weight loss failures were because they didn’t have enough will power. He writes, “There is a myth about will power. Will power is not necessary for weight loss. Will power is only necessary, because people do not change their overweight thinking. People are overweight, because of their overweight thinking triggers behaviors consistent with being overweight.â€
Here’s the deal: All of our experiences, our learning, our upbringing, our education, culture, level of development as a human, and the sum total of our life, all form to shape how we see the world and how we see the particular thing we are struggling with and want to change.
The way we see the world and our challenges shapes what we feel and then what actions we take. So a lot is riding on how we see the world.
I remember back to a time of heavy Disquiet. I can remember how I viewed the world and my stuckness. I saw the world from inside a deep rut with no sense of satisfaction. Even now, I can feel the anxiety churn in my gut, my shoulders tense. I didn’t sleep well, waking every night around 3 am as if an alarm went off. I knew I needed to do something to make this go away. I looked around and zeroed in on my job, I was not as valued as I should be. Yeah! Changing that would feel better. That must be the issue. Bam! I went out and found a new job. But after a while, the same cycle started again. I had not changed my thoughts about how I saw the world and my Disquiet. So the Disquiet continued. If I had first worked on how I viewed by Disquiet instead of just picking something to change, I would have fared better.
That was a shoot-from-the-hip change. There is pain and we jump into action to fix the pain. I once had a doctor who was writing prescriptions before I was even done describing my symptoms. At its best it is a short term fix. At it’s worst, a huge increase in suffering and can cause damage.
So this idea of changing how we think is not about repeating affirmations or thinking happy thoughts. It’s about changing what and how you see the world. Change that lens begins a chain reaction that ultimately affects what we can do.
In my work with men’s Disquiet, I refer to this as creating a new navigation system. Changing the maps and the landmarks. You not only set a new course, there are new things that show up to tell you whether you are on or off course.
That isn’t the whole story. There needs to be new skill-building. Like with muscle building, there needs to be a strengthening of what is already there and working, but also a building up of what has atrophied.
But this idea of needing to change how you think and therefore see is a critical first step. From time to time, I will explore how to change our thinking here. Stay tuned.
How have you successfully changed something by first changing how you thought about it? What did you do?
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Tags: Podcasts, Resources, The Disquiet, Working with change, change, goals, learning, skill building
February 8th, 2007 at 6:38 am
I could not agree more! A few years ago, I freed myself from a 20 year struggle with my weight by changing how I thought about why I would eat well and move more (to *feel* well, to be *fit* for me and my family vs. looking “right”, being a “good” person), how I would do this (gently, kindly, flexibly, patiently… more as a tree farmer than a flower grower… and honouring what was fun and scrumptious to me), and my view of my shifts (e.g. I want to be “there” for my kids for decades to come, so me not being “there” for a few hours each weekend so I can workout fits with the big goal, and then there is less guilt as a full-time working parent). By changing my thinking, my habits could and do flow more naturally from that foundation… vs. the ultimate futility and frustration of the willpower model. In my work as a therapist and coach, this comes up as a crucial paradigm shift every day… our culture is very very hung up on “will power” and quick fixes. Great entry, Dave!
February 8th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
Deb - your story is inspiring! Your examples of how yo changed your thinking is exactly what I was trying to describe. Congratulations on your hard work! And thank you for sharing this. It will help others.
February 9th, 2007 at 11:37 am
You are welcome! What has been really amazing is how the “hard work” isn’t actually *hard* when it is in sync with what really matters… or what I sometimes call the “big decision” (e.g., to care for my self/my body)… then the “little decisions” can so much more easily be made and followed through on, and noticed when off course, to use your navigation analogy. Because my big decision is based so much on how I want to feel, it is not hard to evaluate the little choices based on that principle: how will I *feel* if I go for a run or not? eat 3 donuts or 1 donut hole or none? take a rest day or not? pack my lunch or eat out? By tuning in to myself, and giving myself permission to learn the best choices for me through trial and error, I stay on track with an ease I never could have imagined under the old ways of thinking
February 15th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Dave, I found your recent email about managing others through our change process particularly relevant to this topic. Years ago, I changed some of my thinking and started making some real changes, changes that not only addressed my Disquiet, but also, I felt, made me a better person. While I felt good about all this, those close to me pushed back and questioned me. I struggled with my feelings of rejection and questioned why everyone wasn’t as pleased with the results as myself. Dave, your four actions to help others deal with my change would have been a big help to me. I’ll put them into action in the future.
February 15th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Thanks Craig. Yes, that was the subject of the February newsletter. The focus was on how to support your family in supporting you through your change. The steps I outlined there are very applicable to the workplace as well.