My sons are young men nearing 20 and 17. Some would say a dad’s influence and ability to teach their children anything at these ages is pretty much over. I disagree. There are still things to learn about life and about how to be good men.

There are not many rituals or other ways that society has to mark a boy’s transition into manhood these days. Being able to vote, serve in the military, and be prosecuted as an adult are pretty much the only markers of achieving adulthood. What about manhood? What is the rite of passage? And what transmission of knowledge about what it means to be a good man occurs? What is my role as a father to teach his boys how to be men?

I was moved recently when I read a NY Times article, entitled “From Father to Son” by Dana Canedy. Army First Sgt. Charles King started writing in a journal for his soon-to-be born son in case he never returned from duty in Iraq. He didn’t. He was killed last October.

An excerpt from the article:

On paper, Charles revealed himself in a way he rarely did in person. He thought hard about what to say to a son who would have no memory of him. Even if Jordan will never hear the cadence of his father’s voice, he will know the wisdom of his words.

“Never be ashamed to cry. No man is too good to get on his knee and humble himself to God. Follow your heart and look for the strength of a woman.”

Charles tried to anticipate questions in the years to come. Favorite team? I am a diehard Cleveland Browns fan. Favorite meal? Chicken, fried or baked, candied yams, collard greens and cornbread. Childhood chores? Shoveling snow and cutting grass. First kiss? Eighth grade.

In neat block letters, he wrote about faith and failure, heartache and hope. He offered tips on how to behave on a date and where to hide money on vacation. Rainy days have their pleasures, he noted: Every now and then you get lucky and catch a rainbow.

What Charles did for his son rekindled the same idea I had wanted to do for a long time for my boys – to write a journal for them. This article reminded me I should start it. I may not be in harms way at the moment, but who knows when I will be gone? What could I have said or shared that would help them as well as a way to connect?

Imagine for a moment how you might have felt if you had a journal written to you by your dad. This book full of pages of his handwritten accounts of his day, sprinkled here and there with tips, lessons and warnings. What an amazing connection to him through his words and a chance to see life through his eyes. I think I would have been comforted as well as informed.

Real-life examples and the wisdom from the trenches of life are powerful. Can you imagine learning from the bad choices and the sharing in the celebration of the good ones from your dad?

So I am starting a journal for my sons. Don’t get me wrong, I have great conversations with both of them and I’m not suggesting trading real life interactions for a diary. But truthfully, there often seems little time to talk about the big issues. To rise above the logistics of the day to day and talk about life is more of a special, isolated occasion. Not that I am some philosopher, able to create profound passages. But I have some things to share. And I am comforted that there is a way for us to connect long after I am gone.

An interesting thing has happened since I thought about starting this journal for my sons. In thinking what I would want to write, I find myself wanting to talk with them more often. I share more of what I think about an issue, tell a story about something I did, or just re-enact some old adventure. So this idea of writing for them has connected us more today.

I guess that is what happens when you start seriously looking at what your legacy could be for your kids. A double benefit: improving the quality of your relationship today while creating a way to contribute and connect after you are gone. That is a pretty good return on investment!

I invite you to at least think about what are some of the things you would want to tell your son or daughter. And for your son, what could you share from your own life that would help him navigate the waters of becoming a man? Tell him.

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Tags: Life, Men's Roles, Podcasts, The Disquiet, Working with change, father, learning, legacy, relationship

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007 at 9:00 am and is filed under Life, Men's Roles, Podcasts, The Disquiet, Working with change. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.