Helping you live in mid-life without a crisis
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Stop hoping for that one day.
“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation” -Henry David Thoreau
That greets you on the home page to this site. I think that captures the Disquiet beautifully.
But it’s not the whole story. There is another aspect to the suffering with the Disquiet. That’s what I call “magical thinking”.  When I was up to my ears in hating my job and my life, I kept steeling myself each day by muttering to myself through clinched teeth that all the suffering was for the future. If I kept plugging away, I would then have enough money, seniority, retirement, or something that would allow me to live my life on my terms.
Sounds pretty puritanical doesn’t it? Live a life of Hell to get rewarded in the afterlife.
I hear this in many of my clients as well. When our sense of OK’ness and success is so dependent on external factors, we are doomed to a living Hell.
It just does not work that way. First of all, life doesn’t turn around and pay you a bonus for being miserable, like frequent flier miles for suffering. For those who view life as something to survive, it will be just that - a never ending sequence of disasters and hardships to navigate. For those who can learn to see that life ‘lives’ through us, there is another way to experience and relate to life. It is about now, this moment.
David Deida in his book, “The Way of the Superior Man“, writes:
Most men make the error of thinking that one day it will be done. They think, “If I can work enough, then one day I could rest.” Or, “One day my woman will understand something and then stop complaining.” Or, “I’m only doing this now so that one day I can do what I really want with my life.” The masculine error is to think that eventually things will be different in some fundamental way. They won’t. It never ends. As long as life continues, the creative challenge is to tussle, play, and make love with the present moment while giving your unique gift”.
So don’t wait until the kids are off to college, or retirement, or some other external guidepost to begin living. Life is very very short and it’s waiting to live through you now.
Oh, and by the way, read David’s book - it is a great navigational aide for navigating your Disquiet.
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Tags: Life, Resources, The Disquiet, working with the Disquiet, david deida, living life, way of the superior man
July 5th, 2007 at 2:01 am
True. Waiting for the perfect moment will get us no where. We should act accordingly, and if possible, we should do it as soon as we know what to do.
July 5th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
I also had the same attitude when I was still young. I thought that it would be worth the wait if that time comes. Then I realized that it’s like a game of chance that can’t be good all the time. It’s much better if we make sure of our future.
July 6th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Carpe Diem!
July 8th, 2007 at 9:55 am
I am flirting with retirement at the moment. I switched jobs from a high paying software development job where I spent my days in my cellar office, alone with no one to talk to and only an occaisional call about “new software problems” to resolve… to something totally different - selling stairlifts. I meet interesting people everyday, do something that directly helps people. Clients range from the Rich and Famous (authors Steven King, Ann Givens Siddons) and a bunch of CEO’s that have more money than God …. to interesting and wonderful people who can barely scrape together two cents. I’ve read more that 30 books on evolution in the past 24 months. I’ve bought a sailboat. Most of all I’ve joined an existing men’s group and started another, and find following the vicissitudes of another dozen males lives to be fasinating… and personally rewarding (got some good advice about how to handle some rocky parts of my life). MENS GROUPS a real good idea for a life-restart. I also belong to UUMen and participate actively in the FORUM discussion group on http://www.uumen.org.
Essentially I used to live a trapped life of “quiet desperation” …. until I got truly desperate, realized we only have one shot at THIS (life)… and decided to make a change. Anyone can do it. Takes a bit of balls, but, we all have ‘em.
Frank Mundo
July 8th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
For a related article, click above
August 27th, 2007 at 4:53 am
I can relate to this and agree it is all about here and now, once you can get your mind around moving towards what you really want now, it feels quite liberating to take charge of your life.