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The Arms Race against your Disquiet
Are you at war with your Disquiet? Â Did it start as a midlife crisis and blow into a major war with yourself?
How does it escalate like in an arms race?
We might start small with our defenses: avoidance, pretending its not there and maybe even making jokes about it. The Disquiet might get quiet for a while and the “all clear†is sounded.
Then it comes back. Louder and more insistent. So we escalate our response. We throw ourselves into our world. We identify new goals and bigger brass rings to jump through so that we have more signs of being successful. This defense spending starts to get expensive. We start buying toys, gadgets and gear all with the logical rationale of it being necessary equipment to help us achieve our bigger goals. And the Disquiet rumbles on unperturbed.
So we go to DefCon 2 and start carpet bombing. The big guns. Instead of just working harder, we start playing harder. The escalation continues from trying to resurrect our days of youth through extreme sports, adventure vacations and marathons. That builds to stronger actions like having affairs, quitting jobs, even moving out of the area.
And the Disquiet gets quiet! For a while. Then it resumes even louder and stronger. Sometimes a man will call a retreat and dive into alcohol, drugs, sex, TV, gambling or other drugs to kill the pain and escape.
And the Disquiet continues.
Mutual Assured Destruction - MAD
That was the strategy used in the arms race in the Cold War. Build enough nukes on both sides to hold each other hostage from pushing the button with a promise of total annihilation. Everybody loses.
Ignoring, drugging or acting out on your Disquiet is MAD. Everybody loses.
Declare a truce and engage your Disquiet. Learn from it and use it to map out a life that reflects this deep calling.
If you need help in the de-escalation, contact me. I can help.
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Tags: Life, The Disquiet, engage your Disquiet, life reflecting a calling, midlife crisis, war with yourself
April 16th, 2007 at 6:22 am
Dave, this is a great analogy, especially with the disquiet taken as a foe. It is a battle you can never win if you take the disquiet as a foe.
In your blog “Friend or Foe” you bring out the expansive, alternate way of welcoming the disquiet as a friend. I find it tends to an ongoing dance that keeps getting more pleasurable the better that I take all of life as a really big gift.
Stuart Baker
http://www.consciouscooperation.com
April 17th, 2007 at 7:39 am
Hey Dave
Maybe this is different for women, but I know several, including myself, whose midlife crisis has included some of your “play harder” pursuits, but in a happy healthy way. For us, long distance running, for example, is not driven or escapist, but contemplative and joyful, solitary and social, and very much engaged within, including with our disquiet. For me, sports at midlife are not part of an arms race, they are part of coming home to myself as a physical, social and playful person who makes time for recharging mentally and physically every day. I wonder if some men feel the same way, or if sports are much more likely for you/them to be about proving rather than finding yourself?
April 17th, 2007 at 10:53 pm
Deb - you are so right. Playing hard as you describe it is a big help.
What I was referrring to is a tendency to get involved in reckless activities or to prove something.
These are often done not only as distractions to avoid facing the Disquiet but to actually numb its pain.
The activities you are talking about are some of the activities I actually recommend for my clients. That is helping someone navigate their Disquiet not numb it.
April 17th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
Stuart - nicely said. It is a dance isn’t it?