[This is from an article I wrote for LifeTwo, a great resource for information about midlife crisis, midlife career changes and midlife health.]

“What do I do?” That question arises usually after a husband has become a Dr Jelly/Mr. Hyde, switching from his “normal, old self” to a screaming abusive monster over the slightest trigger. Or, at the other extreme, he becomes withdrawn and non-communicative. And then the times when it’s too late, he has fallen for a young woman, had an affair and run off leaving you and the kids.
And even if it’s not too late, what can a spouse do?

First off, I am not a therapist or a doctor. I am someone who has learned a lot about midlife crisis through my own experiences and from the experiences of men I have worked with. So above all, when the situation is like any that I described in the opening, GET HELP for both of you.

In addition, there are some other things that can support you:

· Learn as much as you can about what might be going on

· Ask questions but in a way that help

· Listen, and then listen some more

· Know what you can control and what you cannot

· Oh yeah, and get help - for both of you

[I will cover these in this article and a second to follow.]

Learn as much as you can about what might be going on

Learn what you can about midlife crisis and how men deal with it, which, in many cases, is different from women. I believe a midlife crisis is the result of not working with the Disquiet in your life. For example, for many men, their sense of who they are as men is tied up with their sense of professional success. In addition, when they experience the unease of a midlife crisis, we often believe it’s a personal failure so we are very reluctant to talk about it or even admit to ourselves. And a third issue that makes it hard to discuss is the every human reaction to the unease - either take immediate change (examples like quitting a long-term job, leaving a marriage, suddenly moving, affairs, etc) or numbing the pain of it through drugs, alcohol, sex or even extreme sports or TV. Check out my resources and services. You can get a sense of how I work with someone in a case study.

At LifeTwo.com, you can read articles and see what others are going through. You can, through commenting, engage in questions and even discussions with others who are going through similar situations. You can also find recommended books.

There are also online forums you can google that deal with this issue where you can find additional resources and support.

All of this to suggest there is power in understanding what is happening. You might experience a sense of relief knowing first you dealing with a thing called a midlife crisis and second, you are not alone.

Stay tuned for Part 2 where I discuss the rest of the tips on how to ask powerful questions that help and not inflame your spouse, how to listen in a new way and how to know what you can and cannot control.