Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

The Disquiet in Men

Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

What if there’s nothing wrong?

A couple of days ago, I wrote about the importance of humility in working with your Disquiet (here).  One of the comments to the article came from a friend and respected colleague Adam Kayce from Monk at Work.  He wrote:

It’s interesting to hear that one of the most frequent questions you hear is, “What’s wrong with me?” Especially when, from my perspective, there’s not anything necessarily wrong at all.

Being hungry isn’t wrong; it’s a sign. You’re noticing the absence of something (food) in your life.

That’s how I, on a very simplified level, see achings like the Disquiet — as a sign. Something’s absent. Not wrong.

Anyhow, I think humility is key, too. For me, humility is about stripping away what we thought and assumed, to be open to what is.

And I think that’s a prerequisite to what you said, about being willing to look at what’s raw, and go through the all-too-necessary awkward phase.

Adam hit on something really important.  It is true that most of the men I’ve interviewed reported feeling their Disquiet was a sign of something being wrong with them.  And I had that experience myself when I first struggled with it in my life.  Adam describes the Disquiet being similar to being hungry is dead on.  It is a hunger.    A hunger to live life in alignment with your deepest values and longings.

This is the first major discovery a man makes when he starts to really work with his Disquiet.  It takes some time, effort, and yes humility.

As you begin to really look into the Disquiet in your life, hold on to the idea, what if there is nothing wrong?  See how that might help the inquiry.


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6 Responses to “What if there’s nothing wrong?”

  1. Mona Grayson: Question The Mind Says:

    I’m glad to see that assumption rise to the surface in this conversation.

    “There’s something wrong with me,” is such a commonly held belief and is so easily propagated.

    By simply making a face at someone who’s crying, that person can get the idea that there’s something wrong with them for crying.

    Then we wind up collecting more and more proof for how there’s something wrong with us – and maybe it’s not even true. We just never stopped to consider that what we’ve been believing all these years is actually a myth.

    How would we live our lives differently without the assumption that there’s something wrong with us?

    I love where that inquiry can go. Thanks for tying it all together, Dave.

  2. That’s What The Lonely Is For » monkatwork.com Says:

    [...] There’s a great discussion brewing over at Dave Schoof’s site, The Disquiet, about the places we go inside when life isn’t showing up the way we think it should. Namely, we blame ourselves. [...]

  3. Adam Kayce : Monk At Work Says:

    “A hunger to live life in alignment with your deepest values and longings.”

    Right on.

    I actually wrote an article about this over a year ago… but I never ported it over into my new site. So, since this discussion is so fresh, I just did (it’s up at my site if you’re interested).

    I also love the approach of looking at your life as if nothing is wrong. That’s a great way to shift your perspective, that’s for sure.

  4. Engaging the Disquiet » Blog Archive » …and courage Says:

    [...] Adam Kayce : Monk At Work: “A hunger to live life in alignment with your deepest values and longings.”… [...]

  5. Dave Schoof Says:

    Hi Mona – nice to see you here. Yes it is astounding what we will make up and it’s usually for the worse isn’t it? As meaning making beings, it is so easy to get hooked.

  6. Dave Schoof Says:

    Adam – this is kicking of great discussions at both your blog and mine. Cool bridge!

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