Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

The Disquiet in Men

Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

Whatever you do, don’t do this (encore)

I have been getting a lot of emails lately from people sharing what they are doing in trying to work with their Disquiet. I found myself referring back to an article I had written a while ago. So I thought it might be helpful to dust it off and re-post it here.


Ways not to handle your Disquiet

Working through your Disquiet is tricky. It is a very personal and isolating experience. Like transitions at other times of our life, navigating midlife is confusing and challenging. We are almost hard-wired with the thinking that if we are suffering, there must be a problem. And if there is a problem, it should be quickly figured out and resolved.

I have written a lot here how I believe what we have come to describe as the mid-life crisis (MLC) comes form ignoring the signals of the Disquiet. There is a lot of information out there on how to deal with your MLC, what to do and even think. There is not much written or said about what to watch for or avoid. Here are some tips from my learnings, personal experiences and from working with others.

Don’t do any of these regarding your Disquiet:

~Ignore it
~Jump into re-action
~Drug it
~Make fun of it
~Take it on alone

Ignoring it:

This is the most common method of handling a MLC. We have an amazing capacity to ignore important warning signs. At home, we all can step over a pair of shoes in the hallway – for days. My teenage son can drive the family car with the check engine light on and never ask about it. I can “learn to live” with a throbbing tooth until one day it cracks creating a major catastrophe.Ignoring the background hum of unease in our lives is unfortunately easy to do as well. Doing so, like the toothache, will cause it to increase and one day create havoc after being dismissed. It will move from the background to the foreground. In my opinion that is what creates the crisis in midlife crisis.

Don’t ignore the signals that something is off in your life. You know not to drive with the oil light on. Stop what you are doing and take time to listen to what your insides have to tell you. Your thoughts, emotions and even physical sensations and issues will all line up to give you some important information. Listen carefully.

Jumping into “re-action”:

You may be the kind of person that immediately jumps into action. The first thought that pops into your mind whenever a challenge appears is “OK, what do I need to do?” Or, you may be the person who does something else first: check what is out there in books and other sources of wisdom, call a friend, seek professional advice, or just take time to think about next steps – all before taking action. Whether you are in the first group or the second, there is a sense something different must be done to stop the discomfort.

You are right; there is a course of wise action to take. But not acting just to stop the discomfort of the MLC. A lot of people who are hurting in their MLC believe if they just make changes to their life, the pain will go away. They quit their jobs, leave their marriages, change what they wear and drive all in an attempt to see if what they do makes the pain go away. It might, or might not. And it will only go away for a while. This is why: If you react to the discomfort without learning what it’s really about, it will only come back.

This is how I describe it: “You may think that it will go away by taking action – leaving your marriage or job for instance. But it’s like eating lots of garlic and trying to hide it with mouthwash. The odor oozes out of your pores. Avoiding it just makes it come back smellier and messier. “

It’s tempting to think that once you are aware of this disquiet, you just need to make changes. Don’t! Making fast changes just to move away from the uneasiness does not keep it away very long. It will creep into your new job, your new relationship or your new home like a virus. Repeat this couple of times, getting the same or worse results each time, and you will find your life a mess. At best you will be like a hamster trapped on that spinning wheel for the rest of your life.
So watch out for jumping to doing something just to relieve the pain.

Drugging it:

This is another common reaction that only serves to exacerbate the suffering over time. Not understanding the cause of our pain, we do things to just make it go away or at least numb it. It’s a particular form of ignoring the messages of the MLC and doing something to just stop the hurt.

The “drugs of choice”? Most people aren’t surprised with the main ones: Abuse of alcohol or drugs (both prescription and illegal). But there are some others. Sex: extramarital affairs and obsessions that becomes harmful. TV and the Internet: more and more research (wikipedia) is showing the dangers of isolation and other issues from trading in your real world life for hundreds of hours of unreality.

Other normal activities taken to an extreme to numb the pain include excessive shopping and buying new toys (combine with TV’s QVC and you get a double dose). Problems from excessive gambling, also available online and on TV, is growing. Even the weekend warrior who becomes obsessed in an extreme sport or becomes a fanatic in a new physical endeavor is something to watch out for.

It’s the obsession and extreme behavior that I am pointing to and that is the issue here. Any one of these pursuits or activities is normal and beneficial. But taken into the extreme and for the purpose of moving us away from our direct experience of our life is the concern. Just like the jumping into action “re-acting” to the pain signals, this is another form of ignoring what you might really need.

Making fun of it:

This is just another form of not directly working with your MLC. Humor is an interesting thing. There is always a seed of truth in most jokes. That is what makes it ironic or clever. So this is different than ignoring all of the signals you are getting in your MLC, but it’s another way of avoiding dealing with them.

We all know the jokes and parodies of the male midlife crisis (my post about this). We enjoy the TV sitcoms that regularly milk it for all they can.
Don’t dismiss the signals that something important is happening – either for yourself or others. We all enjoy humor about the struggles in life, but, when taken to an extreme, it trivializes what is really happening.

So watch out if every time your life sends you a call for help, you brush it off with a joke or quip. You are only fooling yourself.

Taking it on alone:

It is really hard to navigate a MLC alone or without support. When we are in the middle of our stuff – all the things that we do automatically to cope with life’s difficulties, it’s very challenging to see how to take action wisely. We are habitual in how we react to things. A MLC is a call to react in a new way. It is a signal to change. And change is very hard to do alone. Another piece of advice from my website suggests taking a look at people who are happy and energized with how they are living their lives. If you listen to their story, they will tell you that they know the disquiet you are struggling with very well. They might tell you they did the same things you are doing now and how it didn’t work. They will then tell you they didn’t ignore their disquiet, but “listened” to it to learn what it had to tell them. Then they found their “true north” and charted a new course. And they will tell you they did not do it alone. They couldn’t have. It takes help.

This is a journey. And like any great journey, you need help and support. There are lots of resources out there – site like this and for information and resources. Coaches like me, therapists, self development programs, and spiritual trainings and classes. Don’t wander into your wilderness without a map and a compass.

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One Response to “Whatever you do, don’t do this (encore)”

  1. take back your time | Hottags Says:

    […] Whatever you do, don’t do this (encore)Don’t ignore the signals that something is off in your life. You know not to drive with the oil light on. Stop what you are doing and take time to listen to what your insides have to tell you. Your thoughts, emotions and even physical …Engaging the Disquiet – […]

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