I have had a rumbling of [tags]Disquiet[/tags] for a couple of weeks now. A low-grade background hum of unease. After working with the strong, long dark-night-of-the-soul bouts of Disquiet over the years, I am pretty good at picking up the signals early on. I sensed something was off. How? My first awareness was at night, when things get quiet. I noticed an old familiar hum of restlessness. A smaller taste of the same unease that used to settle in on my life like a wet wool blanket. This was smaller, not as heavy, but still it was there.

So what did I do? I started listening to it. Literally. I started asking myself questions about it. Where am I feeling unsettled? What is gong on in my life where I don’t feel like its quite right? Ask and then listen. And this kind of conversation can only happen in a relaxed way. Not rushed. Not an interrogation.

I knew the answers to my questions that came up quickly and easily were just the low hanging fruit - the symptoms and side effects of the Disquiet, but not the core issue. I knew from experience that those answers that I was looking for come from a quieter place. So when the “louder” answers ran out, I just relaxed and let it be. I went back to my routines, but always keeping an eye out for that rumbly feeling.

A couple of days passed and each time I picked up on the Disquiet, I would poke around some more. After a while, I got it. I knew I was hitting on the core issue because when I thought I had identified it, a huge “KerChink” resonated in my body - like in the old days when you dropped a dime in the pay phone and heard it catch? That was it. “KerChink”.

It kind of bubbled up- literally - when I was washing my hands in a men’s room. As I dried them, I glanced up into the mirror and caught my own gaze. And then, “KerChink”. I just knew what the issue was.

In writing about this, the issue isn’t as important as this process of engaging it. But here it is. The rumbling of unease that has been bouncing around for awhile is that I am feeling isolated in my work. I miss the working on a project in a team. I miss the sense of working on a common mission, the unique contributions from different people and the camaraderie that comes with it. I miss that. You see, as a consultant, I have been working solo for a while now. I meet my clients face to face and on the phone. I enjoy that contact immensely, but I do miss the synergy of teamwork.

Now that I know that, I know what to do. It doesn’t mean I am in the wrong line of work or need to make huge drastic changes. But is does mean I need to be doing some collaborative work. So now that is on my agenda. I am on the lookout for a project that will supply what I am missing. I can already feel an ease coming back into my body like a deeeep satisfying stretch.

I know this wasn’t the kind of Disquiet we usually discuss here. But you know, Disquiet is Disquiet. Even the small sources of dissatisfaction left undiscovered will fester. Over time, they add up and get very complicated. And painful.

If I had not explored the source of this particular Disquiet, this is what could have happened: The rumbling would eventually get louder. The dissatisfaction about working alone would grow and possibly start infecting the aspects of my work that I Iove.

I would sense something was seriously wrong and in a panic might jump into action to change things. It might rattle my confidence as a coach. I might come to the conclusion that I was no longer meant to be dong what I was doing and jump careers.

Or, I might start playing around with distractions. My particular drug of choice these days - buying expensive tech toys. The absolute thrill of obtaining one of those incredibly sexy perfectly-packaged Apple products (I Iove the box my Ipod came in as much as the Ipod) would deaden the unease - for a while. Then it would come back - louder and messier and then I would have to up the ante of my distractions. You know the cycle.

I am not suggesting that my spat of isolation is commensurate with the pain of a [tags]midlife crisis[/tags] or the sense of disconnection with a calling. But it can serve to teach what to do in those situations. Paying attention and engaging it as early as I can lets me see what I need to shift or adapt. That is a lot easier than cleaning up the mess down the road.

Here’s to the next rumble of Disquiet……

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Tags: Podcasts, The Disquiet, mens coaching, midlife crisis, personal development, working my own unease

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 24th, 2007 at 11:10 pm and is filed under Podcasts, The Disquiet. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.